So much pain.
He didn’t know why I broke up with him, and I could never tell him the truth. I knew what he would choose to do, but the loss would be heart-wrenching for him.
I kissed him, and things blew up yet again, and I pulled away because I couldn’t hurt him like that and make love and walk away again. No, making love was not something we should do. It would make my leaving more shattering than it was already going to be.
“We need to go before I get naughty, and then Santa won’t buy me any gifts,” I gasped out.
“I’ll buy you gifts,” he murmured against my mouth. “Whatever you want.”
“I want…” I sighed and groaned.
“What do you want?”
I want to make love to you again. Three times. Tonight. Then start over tomorrow.But I couldn’t say that. We stared at each other, and he knew. He totally knew.
But we couldn’t. Shouldn’t. I could not believe my restraint, but I gathered my lusty, throbbing self together and pulled away. I stood up in the hot spring and climbed out. Then I ingloriously slipped and fell back into the water, butt first, all the way under, and he caught me, and we laughed again so hard we cried.
And that was Logan and me—seriously happy together and seriously passionate.
We dried off the best we could, using our socks, got dressed, and drove back to town, holding hands and talking. He kissed me long and hard when he dropped me off at my truck. I was shaking from that kiss in a sex-denied type of way when he shut my door. He winked at me.
Love and lust are a potent mix.
I don’t know very much about my father.
I don’t think my mother does either.
She was thirty-four years old when she met him. She had owned Lady Whiskey’s for ten years. She told me that a man walked into the bar who took her breath away. “I could hardly breathe when we talked. It’s a wonder he didn’t have to perform CPR on me!”
His name was Curtis. She couldn’t remember his last name. Or so she said.
“He was well over six feet of rock-hard muscle, with a sweet and come-hither smile and a high dose of intelligence. He was one of the smartest people I have ever met, but he wasn’t showy about it at all. And he was funny. He made me laugh like no one else could. I lost my head, sweet child. We had a fling and made you. We were a little careless, and I’m so glad we were, darling daughter. It was the best three weeks of my life, but he had to go home to Seattle.”
“Why?”
“His mother was ill, and he loved his mom. She was a rebel when she was young, pushing for women’s rights for decades. Sounded like a real ball banger, which I admired. Curtis was taking care of her in his home. His brother flew in to take care of their mom in Curtis’ home so he could have a break and go on a biking trip. Curtis loved to bike, to be outside, to meet people. He had to go back when the trip was over. His work was there. My work is here.”
“Did you love him?”
“Yes, baby, I think I did.”
“Did he love you?”
“He said he did, but we were too different.” She blinked several times, then sighed, then gave me a smile that said she was going to be strong, but I could still see the pain. “I wasn’t looking for a husband. You know that I was married before.Once at nineteen, way too young, divorced at twenty because he was a boor with a burning temper and sharp fists. Marriage scared me. I did not want another husband, but Curtis was clear that he wanted a wife and many children.”
“Curtis never called you after he left? Never contacted you again?”
“He did. He called me. He wrote letters. I didn’t reply.”
“But why? You were pregnant. Didn’t you want help?”
“No. I didn’t. Why would I? I had my sisters to help me.”
“He doesn’t know, then, about…me?”
“No, honey, he doesn’t. I knew him for three weeks. I didn’t want to marry him at that point. Way too soon. And what if he found out about you and wanted to take you from me? He had money. I didn’t. I ran a bar. I could have lost you in court. Or I might have been made to share you. Half the time with him in Seattle, half with me. I would have died to only be your half-time mother. Was that terrible of me? Yes. It probably was. Curtis doesn’t know he has a daughter. You haven’t had a father. But I couldn’t risk it. Couldn’t risk losing you.”
“Do you have any idea where he worked?”
