When I woke up Asante was still laid in bed beside me, his head on my chest and arm wrapped tightly around me like he feared me sneaking off in the middle of the night. I stared at himfor several minutes just watching the way he breathed and how calm and sweet he looked while asleep.
The longer I looked at him the more sure I was that I wanted to spend my life with this man. All the same, the more I thought about it the more nervous I got and the conversation I had with my father echoed in my head. Was I being selfish by wanting to spend the rest of my life with Asante knowing what it would mean for him? He’d never truly have a private life away from my family or the drama that came through it.
I debated myself while we went through our morning routines side by side and just sharing a mirror with him had me unable to put my contacts in with how my hands started to shake because of all of my varying thoughts. I opted for my glasses for the day and when Asante and I parted ways I drove straight to the house Rook and I shared.
I’d barely made it inside before I was calling him.
He answered, sounding like he was still knocked out and wasting his morning away.
“Yeah?”
“I need to make a pick up. You available?” I skipped a greeting.
“Yeah. I’ll meet you in the kitchen in a few minutes.”
“Alright. Thanks.”
“Yeah.” Rook yawned and I hung up and walked further into the kitchen.
I blinked a few times then I yanked my glasses off, grabbed a nearby towel and started to wipe them.
I was still wiping at them when Rook entered the kitchen. He walked straight over to me and snatched the rag from my hand. He wiped my glasses then offered them back.
“They’re clean,” he deadpanned. I cleared my throat but nodded without a word. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m nervous,” I confessed and forced a laugh.
“Why you nervous?”
“Nigga this is a big deal.” I scoffed. “I’m the only nigga in generations of our family to propose outright without a middle man. I’d be the first one married to a man at all. Asante could say no for all we know. If he says yes, this life is a lot too. It could chew him up and spit him out. Going this public before our birthday is a quick transition. I mean, I wasn’t in the closet or no shit like that, but going from a lowkey marriage to one that’s not only out in the world but a marriage where everybody wants to be consuming every detail of it is a lot for anybody.” I closed my eyes, took a deep breath to center myself, and looked at Rook again. “A part of me feels like it would be easier to stay in the dark, marry a woman and just keep Asante around for as long as possible.”
“Yeah, well that would make you a coward and a bitch.”
“You can say shit like that because you’re straight and you fuck on beautiful women and get pats on the fucking back for it.”
“I get shit for it from a lot of people and you know it.”
“You get snide remarks about using protection and shit from women mad they can’t fuck you anymore. You don’t get called slurs or threatened. If this shit fucks with business?—”
“I’ll smack fire from any nigga that plays with you or Asante and you know this.”
“Yeah, well I don’t need you to fight my battles.” I put my glasses back on. “You’re not doing me any favors by making it seem like I need you to fight for me.”
“Then stand up and fight them.”
“Not everybody has your temper or wants to be known for beating people up.”
“Has not knocking out mothafuckas gotten you the desired results?” Rook asked seriously and a small snicker forced its way out of me. “If you want people to respect you, you need to let them know what comes if they don’t. Every action has a reaction.Let a nigga know if he plays with you, it’s up and I bet after you knock him on his ass, he gon’ understand to watch his mouth.”
“That’s you. That’s not me.”
“You in love with Asante?”
I looked at Rook seriously. “You know I love him.”
“Then, stand on it. If you can’t beat a nigga up, fine. Cool. I’ll accept that you not built like me but the least you can do is stand on your choice. If you get yo’ stupid ass on one knee in front of this nigga, you better do that shit ready to take on whatever comes next. If you not, don’t fucking do it.”
“I know.”
