I will. Love you.
My throat tightened as stomach acid climbed my esophagus.
The pain in my chest stole the air from my lungs.
Somehow, I’d forgotten how Jade felt about Damien. The reminder made me feel dirty, like I’d went and rolled in the mud and didn’t shower for a month. Him and I being friends wasn’t the problem. It was every time I’d thought about him touching me, holding me, kissing me. Each thought was a betrayal, not only to Jade, but to Elijah as well.
People had fantasies, even Elijah. We’d talked about celebrity crushes and who we would take a tumble in bed with. It alleviated most of my guilt for fantasizing about Damien, but with Jade it was different. You don’t fantasize about your best friend’s crush. Even if they fit in the celebrity category.
As I read the words he sent me just this morning, I was at a complete loss.
Damien
You forgot my hoodie.
Next time I see you, I’m going to steal something of yours until you give it back.
His message included the emoji with the winking face and tongue out.It was flirty and open-ended, waiting for me to reply. There was absolutely nothing sexual or inappropriate about it. But after texting Jade, I couldn’t respond.
Was he interested in her? Did he talk to her more than he talked to me?
The idea that Damien and Jade’s conversations mirrored mine and his, made me want to throw up. It was like poison, seeping into my veins.
There was so much about him that he didn’t share with me. Even though we’d been texting for a few months, I didn’t know anything super personal. He excelled at being evasive, without you realizing he didn’t give you all the little details. He answered any question I asked, but didn’t offer any extra information voluntarily.
Honestly, I’d never met anyone like him before.How could I feel so close to him, and yet so far away at the same time?
But after what Jade said, did I think that way because he didn’twantto let me in?
When he made it so obvious he didn’t like me in the beginning, I’d only tried harder. He could just be placating me, letting me assume we were friends. He claimed to not have someone in his life, but was that the truth? How many other girls did he text? And why did that thought bother me so much? It was entirely possible that Jade knew him better than I did. Especially since I was beginning to realize I didn’t actually know him at all.
Why didn’t he talk about his parents?
What had happened to Grant and Maylee’s dad?
Why did he act like his life began the moment he turned eighteen?
What did he think about right before he shut his eyes to go to sleep?
Why didn’t he have a serious girl in his life?
…What did he think of me?
I swallowed down the thoughts, trying to irradicate them completely. I realized they were all irrational and groundless. I was lost in my own downward spiral for absolutely no reason other than overthinking.
It didn’t matter if Damien and Jade found their way to each other. I wasn’t a romantic option for him anyway, so I would be ecstatic for them.
But the nagging voice in the back of my head reminded me—that was total bullshit. I wouldn’t be happy for them.
I mean,of course, I would be. It was Jade. But there would always be that thought—what if he wanted me instead?
That little voice didn’t care about my relationship with Elijah. It saw everything in me, including how I felt about Damien, even if I refused to admit it to myself.
There was only one course of action for me going forward. I had to put space between Damien and I. For Jade’s sake.
I grabbed my suitcase that I had set by the door and yelled to my mom. “I’m heading out. Love you!”
“Wait!” Not even a second later, she came running out of her bedroom with her hair half done and still in her robe. “Did you really think you’d get out of here without a hug or kiss?”
