Chapter 16
This is all so crazy. First I gorge on pizza until I hate myself, and then Josh comes in here looking for me. What’s next? Is a clown going to burst through the door and ask me to join their circus?
And although I’m the queen of denial and self-loathing, even I can’t find a way to explain what he was doing here. My stomach aches. I can still see his face perfectly in my mind. He had that look about him—the one guys on movies have. Like when the hero of the movie bumps into the girl in a hallway and all her books scatter to the floor. He helps her pick them up, then he gazes up at her, and their eyes meet, and he realizes she’s his soul mate.
That’sthe look Josh Graham had when he was talking to me.
It. Doesn’t. Make. Sense.
I mean, yeah, these new clothes make me look like less of a homeless person and more like a girl. And yeah, I put more of an effort into styling my hair today, but that doesn’t explain anything. Unless there’s some kind of magic sewn into the seams of my Doxy leggings, I’m still the same girl I always was. And guys don’t ever like that girl. Trust me, I have eighteen years of experience in this.
There’s no way Josh Graham likes me. But it really kind of, sort of, feels like it.
When my shift is over, I take my purse out to my car and climb into the driver’s seat. It’s only a little after five and the sun is still up, the beach still sparkling beautiful in the distance. I’m not quite ready to go home and sit alone in my bedroom. I shove my purse under the car seat so passersby won’t see it and attempt to steal it, and then I take my keys and head to the beach for a nice walk on the sand.
My bare feet squish into the warm sand, each step feeling like I’m in a spa that’s exfoliating my heels. I keep to the dry part of the beach, where the water is too far away. I’m not really in the mood to get my feet wet and dirty, which is something Maddie loves doing when we come here. I’ve always declined her beach invites when she wanted to go swimming, (for obvious reasons) but a few times we’ve come to the strip to shop or have dinner, and Maddie always wants to kick off our shoes and walk on the beach before we go.
She’s really become a good friend in the last few weeks, and it sucks that she’s on vacation. Luckily, her trip will be over soon. The other day, Josh mentioned the possibility of seeing me at a Mindy Carmichael party, and even now, I stifle the urge to laugh.
Although Maddie and I are friends, we aren’t friends in that way. The M way. When Mindy Carmichael, the prettiest and most popular girl at RCHS decided to befriend Maddie, she brought her into her group of popular girls called The M’s. They all happen to be beautiful, rich, and have a name that starts with M.
I don’t fit in with those girls at all. In fact, I don’t believe Mindy even knows my name. Maddie and I are friends on the side, and her main group of popular people are basically on an entirely different planet.
Josh has to know that. When he said he might see me at one of Mindy’s parties, he should know that he has never seen me there before. I’ve never been invited, but even if by some miracle I did get an invitation, I wouldn’t go. I don’t need to see what beautiful people do at parties to know I’m not one of them.
When I’ve walked half a mile from where my car is parked, I know I should turn back. This part of the beach is at the edge of the public section, where a little rickety fence separates a line to where the private beach homes start. I gaze beyond the fence, at the beautiful pastel-colored houses, each with their own private slice of beach. What would it be like to own one, to spend summers here, and be a tan goddess by the time fall rolls around?
I draw in a deep breath of ocean air, and walk over to a fluffy section of untouched sand. Even though it’ll get my butt all sandy, and I’ll track it in my car, I don’t really care in this moment. I sit down, pull my knees up to my chest, and gaze out at the ocean.
I close my eyes and let the sound of the waves crashing to shore lull me into a calm I haven’t felt in a while. When I’m here on the sand with the wind in my hair, I can pretend all of this confusing stuff with Josh never happened.
And now that I’m thinking about him, I can smell his cologne and that faint hint of coconut body wash.
Wait.
I really can smell him.
I open my eyes just in time to see Josh lower himself onto the sand next to me. He gives me a little smile, then pulls his knees up his chest, mirroring my position. He gazes out at the ocean.
“Fancy seeing you here,” he says.
“So this is what it feels like to not get hit with a football.”
I mean it to be funny, but he winces and looks over at me. “I’m really sorry about that.”
I lift my shoulders. “Not a big deal.”
“So,” he says, gazing back out at the ocean. “Does your boyfriend hate me for coming to find you at work today?”
A lump forms in my throat. “I don’t have a boyfriend,” I manage to say.
He gives me this sideways glance, and I can’t read the expression on his face. (Which is gorgeous, by the way.) “Oh. Well—” He holds up his hands like he’s innocent. “Look, I’m not trying to annoy the hell out of you or anything, but I’d just like to ask what I did wrong when I was asking you out, so I can improve in the future.”
I glance over at him, seeing the way his biceps flex, the golden tan of his arms leaning on his knees. His short brown hair is kept neat and tidy even in the summer. Josh Graham didn’t do anything wrong.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say.
He glances at the sand between his feet, his features more defeated than sad. “When I asked you out earlier. I mean, it’s fine, you don’t like me and that’s totally okay. Trust me, I know what it’s like to deal with someone who won’t take no for an answer, and I’m not trying to pester you or anything. You’re Maddie’s friend and Colby would kick my ass if I did anything to upset you. I just—I dunno, I’m not really used to rejection, so maybe I could learn from whatever I did wrong here? Like, do you have any advice for me? Was I too pushy? Too annoying?”
