Contradictory wishes battled in his head, in hisheart, and he compelled himself to keep going, through the parlor and out the front door, into the thick night air that struck him like a mallet to the chest.
“Will!” Adelaide’s voice cracked, and he turned, unable to stomach hearing her in distress, let alone any related to his petulance. The light from the house cast a corona around her pale hair, sanctifying her but casting her face in shadows, like she was an angel sent to redeem or destroy him. Perhaps both.
“Did you mean what you said?” His question shocked both of them, and she froze, leaving several feet between them. He ached to cross the distance, to surround her and let her soothe him, but he couldn’t, not without knowing.
As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he saw how her brows furrowed, tension spiking through her muscles as though she feared an attack. “What part? I say a lot of things.”
“About us.” He swallowed, the lump in his throat close to choking him. “About me.”
Her recoil was so miniscule he might have missed it if he blinked, would not have seen the armor slide into place as she played back what she’d said. “I was just pretending. I know I’m not your wife, ofcourseI’m not—”
“Because you’re getting married.”
The words fell like a curtain between them, the air heavy with far more than humidity. “Because I’m getting married,” she echoed, all inflection gone from her voice.
Familiar weight settled on his shoulders, the sense of rightness and completion drifting away and leaving in its wake forlorn acquiescence. He’d let himself start to hope, and hope only led to disappointment. He should know better by now, shouldn’t he?
“I’m sleeping in the stable tonight, keep an eye on Phyllis.” He tried to shield himself from noticing how her lip trembled. Damn that perfect, lovely lip. “I can’t sleep with the sneezing.”
She pulled in a shuddering breath. “Please don’t be angry. I was only having a bit of fun—“
“Thisisn’tfun,” he barked, the last thread of his self-control snapping. How could she string him along, speak such beautiful words about him, then break his heart by calling itfun?“I put my life on hold for you, and you’re making a joke of it. It’s too much, Adelaide.”
He saw the phrasetoo muchstrike her in the center of her chest. He might as well have taken a bullet for the tearing behindhis ribs. But he was a coward. God, it hurt to realize, but he wasn’t strong enough to be refused by her, to survive giving her yet another piece of his soul, only to have it torn away when she married someone else.
In that moment, for the first time in his twenty-eight years on earth, he was ashamed of himself.
“Of course.” Her voice caught, and a knot formed in his throat after hearing it. “I’m sorry for bothering you. We’ll leave early morning, then?”
He nodded and opened his mouth to speak, but she’d already whipped around and rushed into the inn once more, leaving him alone with only a donkey and his regrets for company.
Chapter 14
Based upon the firstthree days of their travel, an outside observer might have concluded that English weather was known for scorching afternoons with brilliant, clear-blue skies. On their fourth day together, the heavens apparently realized their error and gifted Adelaide and Will with a stubborn drizzle, one that pestered them with a pervasive, creeping dampness instead of an outright and definitive soaking.
When Adelaide entered the courtyard of the inn, Will was already there, attaching a reluctant Phyllis to her harness. He’d fixed a sort of tent over the back of the cart from his wax-coated bedroll and placed blankets underneath. Her heart gave a cutting jolt at knowing he wanted to keep her at a distance, but would ensure she was protected.
She regretted what she did at dinner, but once again she hadn’t thought, hadn’t considered the impact of her words. More accurately, she hadn’t even realized how she felt until thatmoment, when she met his grass-green eyes over a soup tureen and a bevy of felines. Somehow this man complemented her in all the ways she’d craved but never managed to articulate, didn’t seek to smooth her jagged edges, but gave them a soft space to fit without cutting. Settled her in a way no governess or deportment class ever could.
But she wouldn’t see Will again after today, and the thought of saying farewell made something deep in her soul rebel. Mrs. Ludgate had shoved an overstuffed basket of provisions in her arms as they departed, noting that they’d reach their destination before nightfall if they kept a good pace.Remember what Jane Austen said, she’d whispered, squeezing Adelaide’s hands as she shot a glance towards Will,we are all fools in love.
She’d been the fool, planning to enter a passionless marriage without no regrets. Worse still, she dragged Will along, thinking whatever spark burned between them would be snuffed out and forgotten when they reached Barrington. The flame had only grown into a conflagration that was consuming her, leaving nothing of the Adelaide she’d been when she started this ill-fated voyage.
The inside of Adelaide’s mind was a dangerous place to dwell for too long, and, as the journey wore on without an outlet for her thoughts or energy, she soon vibrated with emotions too unwieldy for her to manage. In the late afternoon, when the drizzle transformed into a deluge and the donkey slowed to a crawl, she reached her breaking point.
The sludge sucked at her half-boots the moment she hopped down from the cart, but she would not stop.
“What are you doing?”
She could barely hear Will’s shout over the rush in her ears. “Phyllis can’t go on like this,” she called in return. “She’ll hurt herself in this mud.”
Will jumped down from the bench and planted his hands on his hips. He didn’t meet her gaze, instead scanned over their surroundings. How he expected to see anything through the rain was a mystery to her. “We have to keep going. We’re almost there.”
She forced a huff of laughter that was altogether lacking mirth. “So eager to be rid of me.”
“That’s not—” He grunted and turned to face her. His green eyes flashed under the soaked brim of his hat, raindrops glistening on the tips of his lashes and the delightful scruff covering his chin. “Youbeggedme to get you to your wedding. I’m doing what you asked me to do.”
Christ, but the gulf beneath her sternum grew deeper with every word until it threatened to devour her from within. “I know, but that was before I—”
