“Knew what?” he snapped. “What aren’t ye telling me?
She whirled away from him, walked a few paces, and stood staring out to sea.
She felt him take a step towards her. “Lass,” he said softly. “Caitlin. Why dinna ye trust me?”
She turned to face him. “Trust you? Of course I trust you.”
“Then why willnae ye let me in?” There was pain in his voice and in his expression.
How could she make him understand?Because I don’t want you to know how broken I am!she thought silently.How weak I am!
She held his gaze, not knowing what to say. He stepped forward, ran his finger along her jaw.
“Ye are not the only one who is frightened,” he said, his voice soft. “I am too. All this stuff with Leif Snarlsson frightens me. But ye lass, ye terrify me. What ye make me feel...I havenae felt this since—”
He cut off abruptly and looked away. Caitlin put her fingers on his chin and turned his face to look at her. “Since what?”
He blew out a breath. “Since Lorna. Ye asked what she was to me. She was my first love but things ended...badly. After that, I swore I would never feel like that again. I swore I would never make myself that vulnerable again.” His eyes found hers. “I’ve tried to keep that promise to myself. But I’ve failed.”
He had been so cocky and sure of himself when they first met, parading around Aberfeldy with Mae on his arm like a prize. But now here he was, standing before her in all his vulnerability, wanting something from her that she wasn’t sure she could give.
He deserved the truth—even if it scared her. She drew in a deep breath then quickly, before she could change her mind, pulled off her gloves and showed him her hands. Her palms were red and shiny, covered in scar tissue that even the skin grafts couldn’t completely heal.
Her hands shook slightly as she offered them up, awaiting the look of disgust or worse—pity—to cross his handsome face.
But his expression didn’t change. Instead, he took his hands in hers and gently brushed his thumbs against her palms.
“I know, lass,” he said softly. “I saw when ye were washing that morning by the river.” His eyes lifted to meet hers. “And I remember yer reaction that evening by the campfire. What happened to ye, lass?”
She wanted to tell him. Oh God, how she wanted to tell him! She’d not spoken of it to anyone except her therapist and now the words crowded on her tongue, wanting release. But she hesitated. Still, she hesitated.
Kai squeezed her hands. “Ye can trust me, lass.”
Caitlin squeezed her eyes shut. Then she opened them again with a sigh.
“There was an accident,” she said at last. “A bad one. I told you I was a paramedic, right? I loved it. It was damned hard work, but I loved it. Then last year, everything changed.
I was called out to a factory. There had been a gas explosion. It was the worst call I’ve ever had. It was chaos. Everywhere I looked, there were people hurt and frightened, screaming for help. Firefighters trying to contain the blaze, paramedics racing around trying to get to those who needed help. I managed to get inside the building and it was like a nightmare. People scattered all around me, some shouting for help while others lay lifeless.”
She swallowed thickly as memories danced in front of her eyes. “There was a woman. She was still alive but badly injured. I tried to save her but whilst I worked on her the roof above us collapsed. I was trapped beneath a beam.”
Kai listened quietly, his eyes trained on her face as she spoke. He didn’t interrupt, didn’t try to rush her.
“I was trapped there for what felt like an eternity. The smoke was suffocating and the heat was unbearable. People were trapped all around me, screaming for help, and I couldn’t do anything. I was helpless. It was the worst feeling in the world.” Her voice cracked as she spoke. “I was trained to help people and I couldn’t. I couldn’t help any of them. I tried to push the beam off but it was too heavy and it burned my hands. The woman I had been trying to help, Amy, didn’t make it. I watched her breathe her last right in front of me.”
“So that’s why ye were so determined to help that woman at the fair?” Kai asked quietly.
Caitlin nodded. “But I failed. I’m a failure.”
“A failure?” Kai said incredulously. Anger flashed in his eyes. “I dinna ever want to hear ye use that word about yerself!”
Caitlin blinked back tears, surprised at the intensity of his words. “But I am. I’m broken. I can’t do my job anymore. I can’t even go to crowded places without feeling like I’m going to lose it.”
“And that’s all right,” Kai said. “Ye dinna have to be the same person ye were before. But ye can still be Caitlin. Ye can still be strong and kind and brave.”
“Strong and brave?” she snorted. “I’m neither of those things.”
Kai reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his fingers lingering on her cheek. “I disagree,” he said softly. “Ye seem to have a strange notion of what courage is. Courage isnae aboutnotbeing afraid. It’s about being afraid and doing what ye need to do anyway. And isnae that exactly what ye’ve been doing since ye arrived here? Didnae ye agree to aid my mission and help those people at the fair, despite all that had happened to ye? Ye are still here. Ye’re still fighting. That’s bravery.”
