‘It’s because they didn’t like your daddy. They didn’t like me having anything to do with him.’
Radia squinted. ‘But wedon’thave anything to do with him.’
‘Right. That’s right. Only, they’re still cross about him, and they’re cross with me. And I don’t really want them getting too involved with us now because…’
Radia waited, her big round eyes utterly uncomprehending. Joy wanted to cry but held her nerve.
‘It’s complicated. Grown-up stuff can be really complicated.’
‘Are Grandma and Grandpanot nice?’
Joy hesitated. ‘It’s not that they’re not nice. It’s just they walked away when we needed them. When you were born.’
‘Grandma phoned the shop,’ Radia stated blankly. ‘I wanted to say hello. She could come and visit us for a holiday.’
‘God no!’ It was out before Joy could censor herself. ‘I mean, we’re busy. I’m working.’
‘They live in London?’
‘Yes.’
‘And we’re going to be in London?’
‘Yes, for a few days.’ Her voice hitched as her throat constricted, but she wasn’t going to cry in front of her child. The school place and the prospect of autumn at home in their little flat felt like it was slipping further from their reach. Joy was glad she’d not told Radia about any of it.
‘We’ll see them then,’ Radia told her mum. ‘We can go to their house.’
‘Is that what you want?’ Joy asked, already knowing the answer.
That was how mother and daughter had made up; with the distant promise of a meeting with Joy’s parents.
She’d meant it too. Joy would never agree to something she didn’t think she could deliver. She wasn’t sure about going to her childhood home though. They could meet at the play park off Birdcage Walk. Radia would be fizzing with innocence and excitement and goodness knows how her mum would be. Fussing, maybe? Weepy? Cold towards Joy but sunshine with Radia? She couldn’t anticipate how it would go.
Her dad would most likely stand there with a straight smile, not saying anything, holding the coffees, watching Radia play.
And how would they manage the hugging thing? Would her mum be expecting a big reunion scene? The thought of it made her queasy. All the suppressed feelings and resentment would be there, still unspoken, and they’d have to act normal for Radia’s sake.
She pictured the silent painfulness of it all and Radia’s excitement tinged with awareness that something wasn’t quite right between the grown-ups. It would probably leave her with the impression that the adults in her family were generally silly and disappointing.
Maybe Patti could be convinced to join them? That would help. Her little sister would be a good buffer, acting cheerful, asking easy-to-answer questions and keeping their mum under control if she got too crazy.
She’d played the scene in her mind umpteen times, trying to imagine the best-case scenario, and always resorting to the worst possible one, where Radia was rejected again and how that would prompt a real break with all of them, leaving things irreparable forever.
Yet, Joy knew she had to meet her mother halfway. That’s what adults did. And her mum had phoned, hadn’t she? Her mum had left that voicemail saying she knew they were in England and she hoped they could put aside their differences and meet. Pamela Foley had been holding back but Joy had picked up on the tears and eagerness building in her voice. The fact she’d immediately tried the bookshop landline after leaving the message told her that her mum was desperate for real contact this time.
Joy had felt it too; the pull towards the familiar. It buzzed within her like a sick excitement. But at the same time there was a force just as strong repelling her, reminding her she’d been dropped like a stone by her own parents. How do you recover from that after nearly six years?
Joy drafted and redrafted her text message, and eventually had to settle on something short and efficient.
Hi, you called the bookshop where I’m doing a tech refit? That was one of the volunteers you spoke to. We’re leaving here soon. When we’re next in London we’ll meet you for a bit in the park, if you want? Radia would like that. J
When she read it back it sounded so cold, so withholding. She imagined how it would feel to get a message like that from Radia at some point in the future if it had all gone horribly wrong. The very idea stung wickedly. Butshe’dnever abandon Rads.Shewasn’t going to hurt her daughter and let her down the way Pamela and Mike Foley had.
Still, when she was by herself in the silent shop, Joy couldn’t escape the thought that in her desperation to keep Radia safe from all the hopelessly selfish adults in her life, she’d still messed her daughter up in her own unique way.
Was it inevitable? No matter how hard she tried to break the cycle? Was she on the path to having a ruined relationship with her daughter anyway? Were things spoiled already because years ago she’d prioritised Sean, because she’d been naive and young?
The nice things Monty had told her about how she’d given Radia a childhood anyone would envy had no impact now. She couldn’t even remember them. Radia was suffering because of Joy’s weakness; that was all she knew in this moment. Her daughter had missed out on a normal childhood and she would blame Joy for it, just like everyone else had, as soon as she was old enough to figure it all out.
