‘True, I did a lot of that too. And I was standing on my own two feet. Even when I lost everything, I wasn’t afraid, not really. I had this faith that everything would come good, and even if I had to go to prison, I knew I’d survive it because I was in the right. I’d have been let down, but I was sustained by the feeling of knowing I hadn’t done anything wrong.
‘But then I came here and from the first second I saw you, I was afraid. Afraid of what you’d think of me if you heard about the trial.’ He raises a hand and runs his fingertips down my hairline to my temple. The sensation makes me close my eyes. ‘Afraid that I couldn’t keep my promise to myself to stay away from you.’
I feel him take a step closer so our bodies are almost touching. All my nerves jolt and buzz at the proximity.
‘And when I left to go to court, I was terrified I’d never see you again.’ Slowly, his hand slips around my waist and behind my back, his fingertips coming to rest in a soft line at the base of my spine. I fill the gap between us, leaning into his body, my eyes still softly closed, and I hear his shuddering breath in response. His voice is low, whispering now. ‘I was terrified I’d get back here and you’d be gone already, or that you’d refuse to see me, and I’d never, ever be able to kiss you again.’ He raises my jaw with the lightest lift from his fingertips and I tip my head back to meet his mouth lowering to mine, so slowly it makes me ache for it.
He breathes against my parted lips and the wanting inside me burns harder, making me spring onto my tiptoes and press my lips to his, and this time there are no secrets between us, and no uncertainty, and I let him kiss me until I forget this is our last day together, until my head swims, and all thoughts of driving home to Marygreen tomorrow morning are silenced.
When Elliot at last pulls away and my vision rights itself, I see him emerge from the blur into sharp focus. Amber eyes and a silver scar, black hair tumbling over cheekbones and a jawline that would always weaken me, no matter how long I gazed at him. He’s smiling, awkwardly, a little abashed.
‘We’re not going upstairs?’ I ask.
He leans in to kiss my forehead just the once.
‘I want to take you to bed and do all the things I’ve missed doing with you, and I will later, if you’ll let me.’
I’m pouting a bit, but the gravel in his voice and the blaze in his eyes soothes away the sense of being rejected. I pretend I’m thinking about it, unsure if I will let him, and he laughs.
‘We never got to sell books together,’ he adds. ‘Let’s just do that. Let’s just be booksellers for a few hours.’
So that’s exactly what we do. The kettle boils all afternoon keeping us in fresh coffee, and we sort through books and restock shelves. I work the pricing gun, and Elliot dusts the high shelves, and we serve precisely two customers (selling one postcard, and aWolf Hall) and it’s perfect.
Jowan calls in just after three with Aldous on his lead and a new crate of books that we need to find homes for, and he shakes Elliot’s hand. He’d heard how Minty had shouted at him earlier, and she’d told him this morning about the hunting case, and so he’d got online to check the news from the courts and read all about Elliot being acquitted.
He said he’d wasted no time in updating Minty on the situation and she’d been decidedly ashamed and sent her apologies, but she was still too busy at the fun day to come to say sorry in person.
Elliot had smiled and said he didn’t blame her, and I could see he meant it. Jowan looked reluctant to leave and after a moment perusing our faces – where he must have seen the whole of our love story written, including how sad we were about parting in the morning – he walked over to the shelf where Isolda’s John Donne lived and he turned a few pages before reading aloud.
Absence, hear thou my protestation
Against thy strength,
Distance, and length;
Do what thou canst for alteration:
For hearts of truest mettle
Absence doth join, and Time doth settle.
Elliot walked over to Jowan and the elder man silently pointed to another passage of the same poem, before handing over the book with a smile, taking a little bow and walking out the door. We watched him go, before our eyes met and Elliot continued the reading.
By absence this good means I gain,
That I can catch her,
Where none can watch her,
In some close corner of my brain:
There I embrace and kiss her;
And so enjoy her and none miss her.
Elliot closed the book and placed it carefully back on the shelf. ‘Do you think Jowan’s telling us his secret? How he keeps Isolda close? She lives in his memory, in a corner of his brain where he can always find her and kiss her so he doesn’t always have to feel her absence? He can bring her back?’
I smile and wipe away tears. I don’t have to say anything else. This is the answer to how we’ll manage without each other, starting tomorrow.
