‘Do you remember that day I came back to your dorm, and you’d just had some exam results, and found out you’d failed?’
‘Rub it in, Stellan.’ To be honest though, I barely recollect it, and it hadn’t troubled me at the time, not when I had Stellan in my life.
‘You said you didn’t care about the results, do you remember? You just seemed so happy to spend your time with me, and then we ended up kissing as usual and we slept together that afternoon for the second time, and it was kind of incredible. And we talked about getting some dinner, remember? We got dressed and went out for takeaway. When we got back you told me that you…’ He seems to be struggling to catch his breath now. ‘You told me you loved me. You came right out and said it in that grim little student kitchen. And it hit me. I just knew, instantly. I was bad for you. I was the reason you were failing uni, I was a distraction.’
‘I didn’t care, Iwantedyou to distract me!’
‘And you also wanted to be a teacher. That was one of the first things you ever told me, remember? The night we met? You said you loved researching Scandinavian history? You said that’s what made you want to be a teacher.’
I shrug. ‘I guess I did.’ It’s half a lifetime ago since I had burning ambition like that and it didn’t last long. It’s hard to recapture that frame of mind.
‘I was thinking of your parents and how disappointed they’d be if they knew some guy who was only going to be around for a semester had turned up and made you flunk your exams. I worried about the impact their disappointment would have on you…’
It’s at this point I interrupt. ‘I told you this morning my parents were never like that.’
‘You did, but I had no idea of that fact back then. I thoughteverybodywas struggling with the same kind of pressures I was under, or something like it anyway. But, regardless of what your family would think of us, I couldn’t live my life knowing I’d spoiled your chance at getting the degree you needed to be a teacher. And you were only nineteen, just a kid really. So I left before I wrecked your future.’
‘But you broke my heart. I was crazy about you.’
‘I know.’ He takes my hand. ‘And I knew if you kept looking at me the way you looked at me that last time I saw you, back in your dorm, I’d never have the strength to leave and let you be everything you wanted to be.’
‘Couldn’t you have talked tomeabout it? Letmedecide what was best for me?’
‘No. You’d have begged me to stay, and I would have. And eventually you’d have resented me forever.’ I see him hesitate, before adding guiltily, ‘The way Mum resented my father.’ He looks down at our still clasped hands. ‘I called Dad that night and we spoke about it, and he said he’d pay for a flight the next morning if I could just get to the airport. So I did.’
This is when he loosens his grip on my fingers and his hands fall to his sides.
‘But you missed your exams,’ I say.
‘I sat them here instead – and totally failed them, by the way. I wasn’t the only one not studying.’ He smiles wryly, but it quickly fades. ‘I spent all that winter doing resits. I always planned to go back to England to see you in the summer. I hoped you’d have forgiven me by then. But then Dad had the stroke that February and that was the end of all my plans. But I didn’t simply forget about you. I found you online a few years later and it said you were teaching… and you were engaged, so then I knew, or I thought I knew, I’d done the right thing.’
Stellan’s looking at me with pleading earnestness and I’m trying to process all these feelings. I’m not angry, exactly. I’m shocked, a little indignant that he thought he knew what was best for me, and I’m embarrassed too. He’s basically just confirmed my worst fears; that he ran off because I was too full on. I pushed him away because I didn’t know how to just enjoy him and still be myself. I was too young to handle it.
Looking down at Toivo playing by my side – I can’t face Stellan – I say, ‘You’re right, Iwasbesotted with you. When you came on the scene I wasn’t thinking about the future or anything else. I just wanted to be with you. Nothing else seemed to matter.’
‘But you were happy, right? Afterwards, I mean? Don’t you think it’s wonderful that you’re successful in your profession?Youmade that happen by yourself. Nobody handedyoua readymade career. I made the right decision to get out of your way, didn’t I? In spite of Cole?’
I look at him and try to speak but instead I mouth exasperated half words. His look of pride and pain physically hurts me. ‘Yes,’ I manage. Even though I don’t quite believe it. He winces noticeably. He doesn’t believe me either. Pulling Toivo onto his lap, he delicately scrunches his fingers on the pup’s ears.
‘I really thought it was for the best, for you.’
I want to save him from the feelings that seem to be shutting down our connection when it was only just getting started again. He’s noticeably shrinking away from me.
‘Maybe itwasfor the best… in the long run,’ I say, hurriedly. ‘Ididstop studying and I’d probably have had to retake the entire year if you’d stayed at uni for the last few weeks of that semester. And wedidspend all our time making out and never revising.’ It’s all beginning to make sense, I realise. ‘And I guess I even stopped seeing all my uni friends and, to me, that’s much worse than skipping some, OK, lots of, lectures and flunking some tests. After you left, I tried to get back into the little gang I’d been in since first year in halls, but I’d excluded myself for so long, they’d all moved on. It was too late to catch up, and they never really trusted me after that.’
It stings a bit to think of them again after all this time; we were such a close little gang before Stellan arrived, but they probably thought I’d ditch them again as soon as another fit bloke came along. I hadn’t given them a second thought at the time, and now I don’t even remember all of their names.
And suddenly my mind flits to Nari and how we’d met that Christmas in the uni canteen at the painfully naff students’ Christmas lunch, and we’d got chatting – about Stellan and my broken heart, as it happens – and pretty much that day we became firm friends. I’d got back on track with my studies by the time I met Nari; studying was as good a way as any to distract myself from the pain. I aced the resits and got my first ‘A’s on my essays that January, but I’d cried myself to sleep every night for weeks.
Nari and I moved into our own flat together in Castlewych after graduation, and my parents pretty much adopted her as one of their own. We had a blast all through my teacher training and while she set up her blogging career. None of that would have happened if I’d stayed cosseted away in the love bubble with Stellan.
And eventually along came Cole.He’dnever have happened if Stellan had stuck around. I’m glad I knew him, even after all the trouble he caused me at the end, but I think I’m making peace with it all now – apart from Barney, of course. We really did have some good times in the beginning, and it was exciting moving in with him and finding my feet as abona fidegrown up. And, God knows, Cole taught me a few things about settling for something that isn’t quite love in all its dazzling, terrifying brilliance, so it wasn’t all a complete waste. I can see that now.
‘Am I going to regret what I did to you for my entire life?’ Stellan asks.
‘No. Don’t. I don’t want you to. You were probably right to step back. But, Stellan, you should have talked to me.’
He nods. ‘I’m sorry. Talking was never my strong point.’
