‘Silence is golden, apparently.’
‘Is it now? You didn’t say very much over lunch either. You OK?’
I nod and concentrate on smoothing the scruff of one of the dog’s thick necks. I don’t want to tell her how much I had hoped that Stellan’s note last night had signified a break in the ice and that today I might get a glimpse of the old, charming, caring Stellan. If I’m honest, I’d been hoping for a reminder of the flirtatious, provocative Stellan I once knew too. But I daren’t say anything, not until Nari’s opinion of Stellan improves a bit, if it ever does. He’s not exactly trying to win us over. I cringe as I remember the tension that had threatened to spoil our lovely meal and I tell myself to avoid the topic of Manchester for the rest of the day, in case dredging up the past again makes things even tenser.
I decide to stay with the dogs when Nari says she’s going to get some pictures of the exterior of thelavvu, and I watch her peep her head inside the tent first, presumably asking Stellan’s permission.
Niilo stops by me on his way to the sleds with the blankets, and he hands me some of the leftover scraps of our lunch to share out amongst the huskies. He crouches beside me as we crumble bread, which the dogs hoover up in seconds, and he says confidingly, ‘Don’t let him worry you. He’s not being rude; he just doesn’t throw words away.’
I smile, a little abashed that he can tell I’m wounded. ‘Nari thinks he’s rationing them.’
‘She might be right. Look at these leftovers from our meal. We ate, now the dogs eat, and then the birds will find the crumbs in the snow when we’re gone. Nothing is wasted here. Every little thing is precious. And Stellan has taken this lesson to his heart. But his heart is kind. Remember that.’
I watch Niilo walking off to find Nari and accompanying her all the way back to their sled with gentlemanly attentiveness.
I think about Niilo’s advice as I divide the rest of the scraps between the hungry mutts. No words wasted or thrown away. That’s our Stellan, all right. But why does he think talking with me is wasteful, after all this time, when it feels as though there are things that need to be said?
Ugh!I could kick myself! All this awkwardness could have been avoided if I’d either a) ignored Nari and not let her talk me into this walk of shame down memory lane – we could be in hassle free Lanzarote right now. I haven’t, to my knowledge, got any awkward exes hanging around there, or b) not thrown away the words ‘I love you’ on Stellan that day all those years ago.
Stellan had told me those aren’t words you bandy about – you should use them sparingly when you really need them. It makes me wince to think about it. He thought I was brainlessly squandering my feelings, faking it, and all along I was completely madly devoted to him. In fact, I’m not just wincing, I’m getting cross.
Minä rakastan sinua, I’d said. I’d compressed my entire heart and soul into those little words and offered them up to him, and he’d done a runner. Back then, if he’d just let me, I’d have said those words to him ten times a day, every day, for the rest of our lives. I thought I had gotten over all this angst a long time ago, round about the time I met Cole, but here it is, hitting me in the feels all over again.
Maybe teenage breakups affect you forever, even if you aren’t aware of that fact. I imagine my situation’s rather unusual in that I’m here, thrown together with my first love, and it’s increasingly clear there’s still lots of messy emotions scattered all around us, love-bomb debris from the day I said ‘I love you’ and Stellan ran.
Right, Sylvie, New Plan. For the rest of this holiday, in fact, for the rest of my life, I’ve got to hold on to that mortifying, hideous memory, because when it comes to any old feelings I might still have for Stellan, it’s a case of waste not, want not. He thinks I’m an emotional spendthrift and that I say too much? Well, I’ll show him how bloody golden silence can be!
‘Time to go.’
I jump up, startled at the sudden appearance of Stellan behind me, and I make one of the huskies jump too. Poor thing.
‘OK,’ I say, remembering my resolution. I’m not going to give this guy any further opportunities to make me, or Nari for that matter, feel ridiculous. When we arrive back at the sheds I’ll politely say thank you and goodbye, and I’ll steer clear of him until Boxing Day. Easy.
I settle myself in the sled and we make our way back to the resort, neither of us uttering a single word. Even when the darkness falls completely before three o’clock and I can’t quite believe the day is over so soon, I don’t exclaim aloud. And I have to bite the insides of my cheeks when I see the pink moon on the horizon, seemingly racing up into the sky. Is that some kind of arctic illusion? I can’t ask him. I keep my thoughts to myself, and the dogs run us all the way home across the frozen lake and through the great drifts of snow as fine flakes fall like glitter upon my face.
Chapter Twelve
‘I’m going to my cabin to turn some of these notes into copy for the blog. You’ll be all right getting to your cabin with Stellan, won’t you?’ Nari shouts out with barely concealed amusement once she’s finished saying goodbye to the dogs back at the husky shed.
Niilo instantly offers to walk with her and the pair of them shuffle off into the dark. I hear Nari laughing as they go.
Stellan’s just finished expertly coaxing each dog back into the enclosure behind the shed and now, I’m left looking at him and feeling ridiculous, because he seems to be pretending he hasn’t heard Nari dumping me on him. She thinks she’s matchmaking. I could happily run after her and shove her in a snowdrift.
Alone with Stellan. This was not part of my plan. I’m about to say, ‘Well, I’ll be off then,’ when he strides over.
‘Do you want to help with the dogs?’
‘Sure.’Dammit!Here’s me aiming for aloof and disinterested and he’s offering me canine nirvana. ‘Just for a bit, then I’d better get ready for dinner with Nari.’
Once we’re inside again beneath the shed’s fluorescent lights and all the dogs are munching happily on something that looks like strips of beefy jerky, Stellan indicates that he wants me to sit down on the bales beside Kanerva’s puppies. He’s produced two steaming mugs of hot chocolate from a neat little kitchen inside a glass cubicle in the corner of the shed, and we settle on the straw bales, looking intently at the dogs as they chew.
I don’t want to be the one to break the silence, but he really is just sitting there staring into his drink. I clear my throat and he glances up with what looks like hopeful relief in his eyes.
‘Stellan,’ I say. ‘I know it must be weird me turning up like this at your resort. Would you believe me if I said it was a coincidence, at first?’ You shouldn’t, I think to myself. I chose Saariselkä hoping, deep down, you’d be here, like a fool.
‘It’s not weird. I’m glad you’re here. Are you happy you came?’
‘Yeah. Yeah, I am.’ I nod. ‘But please don’t feel obligated to show us around or anything. Me and Nari can see the sights on our own. You should probably be getting back to your tourists. ItisChristmas Eve tomorrow, it must be your busiest day of the year, what with all the preparations for the big day.’
