Another man to boss me around. Jackson and Mr Controlling are a good pair.
‘He cares for you, Scarlett.’ Jackson’s voice is low but he’s staring at me intently.
‘Do you really think so?’
‘He’s crazy about you, kid. But I’m not sure he knows it yet.’
‘How can he not know whether he cares for me? I don’t understand him. One minute, I feel like I’m just in his way; the next, he says he’s missing me.’
‘This is new to him. Now there’s so much other shit going on too but give him time to work it out and he’ll get there.’
I really hope so, but there’s as much chance of Gregory deciding he cares for me as there is of him deciding he doesn’t care enough. His words come back to me:so she can move on.What does that mean? Does he want me to move on or is he really just afraid of letting me see who he really is? He said he wishes I wanted to leave but he won’t tell me to go. I don’t want him to be with me through obligation, through owing me a debt. I want us to be in this together. But sometimes, it feels like he pushes me away. If we weren’t in this position, would I be contemplating damaging my career by not going to Dubai for a man who really might not want to be part of the same team?
‘Sandy seems happy,’ I say, desperate to change the subject and my wayward thoughts as I move to a tricep stretch. ‘You make her happy.’
Jackson looks at me with eyes lit like I’ve never seen on him before, wide, sparkling espresso browns, just a shade darker than his glistening skin.
‘I try,’ he says, trying to be all butch, but there’s no mistakingthe slight curl of his lips. ‘How’re you holding up with everything?’
‘I’d be lying if I said well. I can’t stand the thought that I’ve killed a man but what’s eating me up more is watching Gregory suffer for my wrong.’
‘You know, Scarlett, he doesn’t see it like that. He dragged you into all this and he wants to fix it for you. Darlin’, that man’s mind has been black as long as I’ve known him. But not with you, for the first time. I don’t know whether he’s more afraid of losing you, getting you caught up and hurt in his next mess, or you feeling the way he has for years.’
‘I don’t want him to blame himself.’
‘I know, kid, I know. He’ll fix this case. It won’t go to trial but he needs your help with the rest.’
‘The rest?’
‘If he’s going to stop hating himself for what he thinks he made you do, you need to show him you’ve accepted it.’
‘But I haven’t. I don’t know if I can.’
He takes my hand and encourages me to sit on the weight bench beside him.
‘I’ve killed, Scarlett,’ he says. ‘In the forces. It was my job but don’t think it’s easy to kill a man and not have guilt follow you around like a black dog. Especially the first one, that takes some getting over.’
I’ve never really delved into Jackson’s past but I suddenly feel an overwhelming desire to know more about Gregory’s protector and Sandy’s new love. ‘Howdidyou get over it?’
‘By reminding myself why I did it. I killed not just for my country but to save the men I was serving with and to save myself. That’s how I live with it. In that situation, to kill was the only option.’
I know I killed Pearson to save Gregory. What I don’t know ishow much of me took that shot in revenge. For Gregory. For my dad. For me.
The only thing I’m sure of is that having Gregory with me gives me the justification I need.
One more day until he’s back. One more day closer to the ballistics report that will prove a murder took place in this apartment.
Day five.
9
‘You look so peaceful when you sleep.’
I smell him before I see him, his fresh, minty scent. My eyes open to him gazing down on me, his forearms either side of my head, holding his weight.
He smiles and rests his body down between my legs, the weight of him on my stomach telling me he really is home. I lean into his touch as he brings his palm to my cheek.
‘How was your trip?’ I ask, my words sleepy.
