Stupid hormones.
I really need someone to talk to that isn’t Tate.
This is one of those times that I miss my mom.
So damn much. She would know what to do, guide me in the right direction. Instead, I feel like I’m teetering on the proverbial edge of something important—and freefalling into the unknown.
Chapter 33
Tate
The last show of Summer’s visit is Dublin and I’m bummed that our time together is almost over. I won’t see her again until the middle of December, which is just under two months away. We’re going to spend Christmas at her place, which is fine with me, but there’s been something of a dark cloud hanging over us since our discussion about where we’re going to live.
I understand her perspective, but it doesn’t change reality.
I need to be in Minneapolis.
She wants to be in New York.
It’s not the same thing, and I’m not sure how we reconcile that.
I haven’t said anything about finding a memory care center for her mother because Angus hasn’t delved into the details yet. The preliminary research he did was disappointing because those places—the really good ones—are beyond expensive. He thinks the money she gets will cover most of it, but he’s still working on it.
And I don’t want Summer to think I’ve gone behind her back to plan something she’s against.
I’m beginning to see that a good relationship is a lot of work. It’s not that I’m unwilling to put in the work, there’s just so much to manage between the geographical distance, the details of both her pregnancy and childbirth, planning for the baby, where we’re going to live, and making decisions about her mother.
And most of that falls to her.
Instead of forcing her to make important decisions, I keep giving her an out, so she doesn’t get upset. I just don’t know how much more we can push off. The band has been holding off on making a decision about what’s next because I asked them to. Lexi still hasn’t made up her mind about a North American tour in the spring, but from what I’ve been told, she’s leaning in that direction.
And they’ve already said that they want us to be their opening act.
They’re great to work with, our musical styles and audiences overlap, and it saves both bands money because we can share a lot of expenses. They make more than us, and have a bigger production, so they pay about sixty percent, but it’s still win-win.
The only question once Lexi gives the green light is me.
Big Z—Zeke—is the lead guitarist for the other band on our record label, and they’re one of the biggest bands in the world. They’re on hiatus right now so that’s why I asked Zeke if he’d be able to step in if I needed him to around the time Summer gives birth and he graciously said he would.
But he can’t replace me forever.
I’ve bent over backwards to make Summer comfortable and happy but there has to be some compromise on her part too. Otherwise, I don’t know how this is going to work. At the same time, I can’t envision walking away from her. Them. I’m falling for her.
Hell, I’m probably in love with her, but I don’t know how to tell her that now because it feels manipulative. Like, I’ve waited until it’s time for her to decide whether or not to move to Minnesota, and I just throw that out there like some kind of dangling carrot.
Part of me wants her to say it first, to show me that she’s as invested as I am. That’s probably dumb because she could very well be waiting for me to say it first, which means I should man the fuck up. But in today’s day and age, is it really too much to ask for her to make a first move? To show me a little of the faith I’ve shown her?
It’s not a competition but there’s a distance between us that wasn’t there before and if she’s feeling even half of what I’m feeling, I know why. We’re both wary, distracted by all the obstacles that seem to be ahead.
I also believe that what Sherry said upset her more than she’s letting on. Not because I slept with her but the way she immediately zeroed in on the fact that we got married because Summer was pregnant. The thing is—I can’t dispute that. There’s no way I would have proposed this soon if she wasn’t.
And that bothers her.
At the very least, it makes her feel insecure. It’s a dilemma for me because how she feels isn’t something I can fix. All I can do is continue to take care of her in whatever ways I’m able to from afar.
Because she’s leaving tomorrow. It feels like the trip flew past. Despite the uncertainty about the future, we’ve had a great time. She’s gotten friendly with Ryleigh and Taryn, her pregnancy hasn’t held her back from doing any of the things we planned, and it’s been great seeing her singing and dancing in the wings while we perform.
Meanwhile, frustration has been building up inside me. I have no other outlet so I get up early and head to the hotel gym. Angus works out in the morning, so I’m hoping to run into him, and sure enough, he’s already there when I arrive.
