But 7–8 also gave me hope. Because 7–8 implied that Billy’s life was not like mine. From 7–8 he was alone, and bored. From 7–8 he was now hoping for a phone call from me.
In the meantime, I googled him endlessly, zooming in on photos until they pixelated. He still clearly favoured leather – something that, me being a vegetarian, should have repulsed me but didn’t – but the silky jumpsuits had been banished long since.
He had a good head of hair – now salt -and-pepper grey – and looked fatter but tanned and happy.
* * *
‘Did I tell you I’m away next weekend?’ Rob asked. We were eating Thai noodles at the kitchen table.
‘No,’ I said, ‘I don’t think you did.’ It had been weeks since Rob had been away ‘on business’ and I’d started to wonder if his affair was over or perhaps had never happened in the first place. And then I’d wondered if I would be glad, or disappointed, if one of those turned out to be true.Best not to know, I thought.
‘Yeah, I’ve got a Samsung thing up in Newcastle.’
There had been times when I would have asked, through naivety,What thing?There had been times, also, when I would have asked him for details just to watch him squirm as he lied through his teeth. But that day, I just thought,Wow, a whole weekend!
‘That’s fine,’ I said. ‘When are you leaving?’
‘Friday straight from work,’ Rob said. ‘Back late on Sunday night. That’s OK, isn’t it? We don’t have anything planned this weekend, do we?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘Nothing at all.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Rob said. ‘But you’ll be OK on your own, won’t you?’
‘Totally,’ I told him. ‘I’m used to it. I’ll probably have Shell over or something.’
‘Girls’ night,’ Rob said.
‘Yeah.’ It was surprisingly easy to lie.
As we ate our low-fat zero-pleasure yoghurts, I thought about how I’d finally be able to call Billy, and then it crossed my mind that if I managed to call him earlier in the week, perhaps I could use my free weekend to actually see him.
‘Have you seen Blanche since you got home?’ I asked. ‘She didn’t come in for her tea tonight.’ This was another lie. Blanche never missed a meal, but Rob was clueless about such details.
‘Probably snoozing upstairs,’ he said.
‘Can I let you clear up?’ I asked, nodding at the table. ‘I just want to check the garden, see if she’s around.’
I walked around the perimeter calling Blanche’s name, hoping that for the first time ever she wouldn’t come running. And when I reached the bottom fence, I went behind the shed and pulled my phone from my pocket to call Billy. But as soon as I did it I realised it had been a stupid idea. Phoning from the garden was way too risky.
It was a surprisingly warm evening for late February, and I thought about the rumours everyone was talking about that we were going to be locked indoors because of Covid-19. Various European countries were already considering it, and the Chinese had been shut in their homes for weeks. It seemed like another reason to see Billy sooner rather than later.
I popped my head in the kitchen door and told Rob I was going for a walk.
‘A walk?’ he repeated, surprised. ‘Is this about Blanche still? Because I’m sure—’
‘No, it’s just so nice out,’ I said, interrupting him. ‘And we’re maybe going to be made to stay at home, so…’
‘I don’t think anyone’s going to stop you going fora walk,’ Rob said.
I shrugged. ‘Whatever. I just fancy a stroll along the beach.’
‘Want me to come?’ Rob asked. ‘Or…’
‘Nah, you’re fine,’ I told him. ‘I won’t be long.’
I crossed the road and walked to the slope that led down to the beach.
A man was throwing a tennis ball for his dog, so I continued until I was out of earshot and then sat down on a rock to do the dreaded deed.
