‘And now here you are,’ I said.
‘Yep. Here I am.’
Despite my best intentions, I thought about sleeping with him again, and had the disgusting thought that he probably hadn’t showered since he last pulled out of Siobhan. I tried to think of something witty or clever or even just something sarcastic to say to him, but nothing came to mind.
‘I just think it’s good we can be so honest about it all,’ Billy said.
‘Right,’ I said, frowning. Then, before I really knew I was going to do so, I found myself saying, ‘Actually, I had athingthis week, too.’
‘Oh!’ Billy said, sounding taken aback. ‘You did?’
‘Yep.’
Billy covered his mouth with one hand.
‘What?’ I asked.
‘Nothing,’ he said. ‘I just didn’t think you were like that.’
‘Like what?’
Billy shook his head and shrugged at the same time. ‘Dunno,’ he said.
But I knew what he meant. I could hear Wayne’s voice in my head sayingslutty.
‘Is he nice? Do you like him?’ He looked like he was trying really hard to smile, but the result was closer to a grimace.
I shrugged.
‘Or was it just a sex thing, like with me and Siobhan?’ I thought he sounded hopeful, but it was probably just wishful thinking.
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I suppose it was something like that.’
‘Not as good as with me, though,’ he said.
I frowned at my fingernails a little longer until a flash of anger rose up in me, the devil possessing me just long enough to make me say, ‘Actually, it was pretty amazing.’
‘Oh!’ Billy said. ‘OK.’
‘Hung like a donkey,’ I said, ‘which helps, of course.’
‘Oh!’ Billy said again, his eyes widening. ‘OK then.’
I nodded and sighed. ‘Anyway.’
‘I should probably go,’ Billy said.
‘Yeah,’ I agreed. ‘Probably.’
‘I’ll, um, see you around.’
I raised my fingers to mimic a gun and said, ‘Not if I see you first!’
It was pure habit; in fact it was one of Wayne’s favourite put-downs, and I’d hoped it would lighten the mood. But Billy looked quite heartbroken, and it was only once he’d left that I thought, for the first time ever, about what the phrase implied.
* * *
Mum actually knew before I did, which was weird.
