I remained unconvinced, but ultimately what did I know? Some experiences certainly change who we are and some even end up defining us.
‘But he was never a nice person,’ Dawn added.
It sounded like the subject might be coming to a close, and that would have been welcome because my tolerance for all things Billy was reaching saturation point, but Dawn went on, ‘He was shiny, like a diamond. He drew people in. He drew me in. But he never deserved anyone’s love like you do. So I’m sorry. I really am.’
We sat in silence for a moment staring out at the sea and then I said, ‘So I suppose it’s my turn now?’
Dawn sighed. ‘Almost,’ she said. ‘But not quite.’
She went on to tell me about her trip to East Portlemouth and, when she reached the part of her story where Billy had pinned her to the bed, I got so angry that I could have killed him had he been present. I literally had a flash of the red curtain and understood how it came about that people committed murders. The mystery of the crushed Polo was finally revealed too, and I forced myself to laugh along with Dawn. She seemed to have decided to find that bit of the story amusing, and I didn’t want to take that away from her. I knew from experience how she used laughter to transform anything unbearable into a joke.
But I did genuinely consider driving down there and smashing Billy’s face with a hammer. I imagined how satisfying that would feel.
‘So what do you think?’ Dawn asked, once she’d finished.
‘Well, I totally get why you don’t want to hang out with him anymore,’ I said, aping her strategy of joking about the unbearable.
‘Yeah,’ she agreed. ‘It was awful.’
I watched her feet for a moment. She was banging her heels together like clackers.
‘If he’d actually been nice, would you have left me?’ I asked.
‘Oh!’ Dawn said, then, ‘Christ!’
‘That’s a “yes” then,’ I said. ‘That’s OK.’ I wondered why I had said that. It clearly wasn’t OK at all.
‘The truth is, Rob, he was a fantasy,’ she said after a moment's thought. ‘It’s not easy to explain… But I’d made him into this fantasy man in my head. So if he had been that perfect person – if the fantasy had been real – then yeah. I probably would have. Anyone would have. But it wasn’t. He wasn’t. Because he couldn’t be.’
‘Because?’
‘Sorry, because what?’
‘He couldn’t be because…?’
‘Oh, because fantasies aren’t real, are they? That’s why they’re so appealing. Real relationships are with real, imperfect people like… well… us, I suppose. Real relationships look like this. They’re about arguing and negotiation and skidmarks and who does the washing and… I don’t know… All that shit. They’re not about perfect brilliant sexy pop stars who never say anything stupid. Because that’s all just fantasy. Is any of this making any sense to you at all?’
And it did make sense to me. It made a lot of sense, actually. All I had to do was think how attracted I’d been to my fantasy version of Cheryl.
‘Anyway, there’s one final thing,’ Dawn said. ‘And I’ve been umm-ing and ahh-ing about this one – about telling you, I mean. But if I don’t, I’m worried we’ll still have an elephant. So I think it’s maybe better to get rid of it.’
‘Go elephants!’ I said theatrically, to mask how nervous I was feeling. I was pretty sure this was going to be about sex, and very probably about how bad I was at it. ‘Elephants be gone!’
‘Exactly,’ Dawn said. ‘So here goes.’ She turned away from me then and when she looked back I could see she had fresh tears in her eyes. ‘I think Lucy is Billy’s child,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry. But I’m pretty convinced.’
‘Oh,’ I said. She’d knocked the wind right out of me with that one. It wasn’t what I’d been expecting at all.
‘He had a photo,’ Dawn continued, ‘on his bedside table. He also had quite a lot of cocaine as it happens, but that’s a different… Anyway, this photo, it was of his kids. The ones he had with Candice Rayner. A little boy and a little girl.’
‘OK…?’
‘I didn’t get much of a look at them. I mean, I was kind of busy fighting him off. But for a split second I thought it was Lucy, that's the thing. The little girl… she looked so like Lucy, I actually thought it was her.’
‘Right,’ I said. ‘OK. That must have been… disturbing.’
‘And I just thought you should know. Especially what with all the… Billy-like problems we’ve had with Lucy. I thought you should know that’s probably not your fault.’
‘I never thought it was,’ I said.
