She nods against my shoulder but doesn't move.“You shower first,” she says, her voice muffled against my chest.
I want to argue.Want to tell her to go first so I can make sure she’s okay.But I can feel her pulling herself back together, rebuilding those walls brick by brick, and I know she needs space to do it.
“Okay,” I say, stepping back reluctantly.
She immediately busies herself, moving toward the bedroom.“I’ll get you some clothes.”
I follow her, watching as she opens the drawer that’s somehow become mine over the past few weeks.When did that happen?When did I start leaving pieces of myself in her space?
The same thoughts that had plagued me back at the restaurant return.We’re basically living together at this point.I don’t do relationships like this.I keep them casual.And now, with Luis out of the picture, I can step back.I don’t have to spend my nights here.I don’t have to come over and hang out with her.I don’t?—
I don’t want to step back.
I enjoy spending time with Eve.She gets me in a way nobody else ever has.She challenges me, makes me want to work harder, be better.Working with her, spending my evenings wrapped around her—These few months have moved so fast, I didn’t even realize how empty my life was before her.
She pulls out a worn gray T-shirt and pajama pants, holding them out to me.“Here.”Our fingers brush as I take them, and I see her eyes flick to my bruised knuckles before she quickly looks away.
“Thanks,” I say softly.She nods, already turning toward her closet, putting distance between us.
I head into the bathroom and close the door.The bathroom smells like her.That subtle floral scent from her shampoo, something clean and expensive from her soap.My toothbrush sits in the holder next to hers.Blue next to pink.Another piece of me in her space.
I turn on the shower, making it as hot as I can stand, and step under the spray.The water pounds down on my shoulders, and I press my palms against the tile, letting my head drop forward.
I keep seeing Luis’s hand in Eve’s hair, keep hearing the small sound she made when he hit her, keep feeling that moment when something inside me just snapped.I saw red.Literally.Everything tinged with this violent, pulsing crimson that narrowed my entire world down to one singular purpose: make him hurt.
I’ve never been a violent person.I don’t get in fights.I talk things through.I’m the guy who mediates disputes between colleagues, who finds diplomatic solutions to problems.Who, at my worst, scares cheating boyfriends with a conversation and a bit of creative driving.But tonight, if Eve hadn’t pulled me away?—
My hand throbs where I split Luis’s lip.I press my other hand against my chest, feeling my heart pound beneath my palm.
I would have killed him.
The realization settles over me like ice water.I would have kept hitting him until someone physically dragged me off.Until there was nothing left of him but broken bones and blood.
Why?
I reach for the soap.The cedar scent I prefer, sitting right next to Eve’s expensive body wash on the shower shelf.Another piece of me that’s found its way into her space.Into her life.
I don't do this.I don’t leave toothbrushes at women’s apartments.I don’t keep clothes in their drawers.I’ve spent my entire adult life carefully maintaining distance, keeping things casual, never letting anyone get close enough to need me like this.
To make me feel like this.
I wash quickly, mechanically, trying not to think.Trying not to feel.But it’s impossible.Everything in this bathroom reminds me of her.Of us.Of this strange fake relationship that’s somehow become the most real thing in my life.
I turn off the water and grab a towel.One of the dark blue ones she bought after I mentioned I couldn’t tell her beige ones apart from her white ones.Such a small thing.Such a thoughtful thing.
The kind of thing people do when they care.
I dry off and pull on the clothes she gave me.The shirt is soft from multiple washings, comfortable in that way only well-worn cotton can be.I stare at my reflection in the fogged mirror.My knuckles are swollen.There’s a dark bruise forming along my jaw where Luis got one hit in.
I barely felt it at the time.
I barely feel it now.
All I can feel is this yawning chasm in my chest, this desperate need that I don’t understand and can’t name.I’ve never felt anything like this before.Never wanted to protect someone so fiercely.Never felt capable of violence just because someone hurt another person.
This isn’t supposed to happen to me.I'm the guy who doesn’t do relationships.Who keeps things light and easy and uncomplicated.
But there’s nothing light about what I’m feeling right now.
