Shit, shit, shit.
I remembered giving Evie a bath, picking up our order, and tucking her into bed while she threw a fit. I hadn’t given her dinner. And if Jonah hadn’t shown up, I probably wouldn’t have fed her today either.
At the realization, complete horror dawned on me.
I felt like I was going under, getting sucked into a whirlpool of darkness. I had sent Evie to bed completely hungry, and kept her that way halfway through the next day. What kind of a mother was I?
Jonah followed my gaze, reading the unopened Panera Bread boxes correctly and knowing what I’d done.
“Oh my God, Evie. I’m so sorry, baby,” I said, taking a step closer to her, but she twisted in her spot, tears streaming and arms flailing.
“I told you I was hungry. We didn’t even have dinner, and now look! The food’s too soggy and yucky to eat.”
I wished Jonah would leave. I really needed to break down and cry alone before I could calm Evie down.
“Lexi, it’s okay,” he breathed. “I’ll make her lunch now. She’ll be fine.”
He reached over and brushed my hair off my face. His fingers stayed on my forehead for a moment longer. I closed my eyes at the touch. I’d been longing to feel his touch again, but now I didn’t have the will or energy to respond.
“Give me ten minutes,” he said and took off his jacket and made it to the kitchen.
Jonah stood awkwardly in my tiny kitchen, sleeves rolled up, scanning the cluttered counter like it offended him.
He spotted a banana at the top of a fruit stand, and pulling it closer, he paused as he spotted an open jar of Nutella on the counter.
“Where’s the bread?” he muttered to himself, finally spotting the loaf on top of the fridge.
Evie watched him with suspicion. “Mama usually cuts off the edges,” she added between sniffs.
“The crust?” Jonah asked. “Right. Got it.”
He placed two slices on a plate, then hesitated over the jar of Nutella. “Do you like a lot or just a little?” he asked, distracting her from her hunger.
“A lot,” she said solemnly, wiping off her tears.
He plated her sandwich and found raspberries in the fridge and a packet of hard-boiled eggs that he added to the plate before placing it in front of her.
I stared at the food, feeling miserable. I had food at home. But I hadn’t taught Evie to help herself. I’d always plated her food myself and even predicted her hunger even before it hit her.
I’d made her so dependent on me that she had to starve when I was unwell.
“You’re trembling, Lexi,” he said, his voice unreadable.
Was he disappointed in me for being unable to function as an adult? As a parent? My chest tightened.
Shit. I couldn’t … I couldn’t deal with more emotions. Each breath seemed difficult to take, and I tried my best to get him to leave.
“No, I’m just …” I breathed out with difficulty. “Hot,” I said, still delirious. I’d been cold a while ago. What the hell was happening?
My cheeks felt flushed, and I could feel a sheen to my forehead from sweating.
“I’m good. Good … enough to be alone,” I said, looking up at him, at his intense gaze, seeing through me.
I wanted him to go, and I wanted him to stay. I was afraid of being alone, and I was afraid of breaking down in front of him.
I swayed on the spot, and I felt my feet give way.
My reflexes failed me, and I waited for the hard smack of the floor on my body when I felt Jonah’s arm catch me, pulling me to him.
