I signaled Greg over and placed Jill’s hand in his before heading back to the bar. Jill would find a friendly shoulder to lean on with Greg, and I’d check up on her in a few days. But we were absolutely done.
The ease with which I’d just handled Jill made me stop and think. I’d been gentle with her, kissed her hand, and gotten a friend to comfort her.
When had I ever done that for Lexi?
I noticed Rafael a few feet away, still nursing his drink at the bar. My throat tightened. He was the only person here who knew her. The only person who saw her every day, and one who might’ve noticed how she’d been doing.
I couldn’t help myself. “How’s Lexi doing at work?” I asked Rafael. He was the only person in this group who knew she existed, the only one with whom I could talk about her, make her real, and bring her here with me even if only in conversation. “The intern?”
He frowned, almost as though he’d forgotten she existed.
“Oh, her,” he shrugged. “She’s hanging in there. Barely, I guess.”
My hand tightened around my glass of whiskey. “You guess?”
“For a while there, she was perky, bright, and bubbly. A joy to have around, actually. But lately, she’s been way too mopey to deal with. She barely talks to anyone anymore. And she comes in looking like she hasn’t slept. I think she hasn’t eaten in a while too, her clothes seem to hang off her differently. I’m just waiting for her to finish her internship and be gone.”
The glass nearly shattered in my grip. She wasn’t sleeping well, or talking to people, and had perhaps lost weight.
I was responsible for that.
“I was asking about her work performance, not how her personality made you feel,” I gritted out, and Rafael’s face went blank before he squirmed with the realization of what he’d just said.
But the rest of his words sank in, going deeper under my skin and pricking me like shards of glass. Lately, she’d been unhappy, and I hated that. No, I’dcausedthat.
I had always stood up for Lexi. Against Jeff, Dylan, and Cora, but I failed to stand up for her when she needed it the most. When she was clearly struggling because of what I had done.
Initially, I’d wanted to impress her with my wealth and charm, getting her to go out with me. Then it became about balancing the scales after the rough hand life had dealt her so far.
But lately, I wanted Lexi happy simply because… I couldn’t stand to see her otherwise. Because once I had seen what a happy Lexi looked like… I craved more and more of it.
But the problem with taking responsibility for her happiness was that I’d inadvertently assumed control of it and made her miserable.
The thought hit me like a punch to the gut, and I had to brace myself against the bar. Because that’s what I’d done, hadn’t I? I hadn’t just been careless or thoughtless. I’d wanted to drive her away because she’d gotten too close, made me feel too much, and threatened everything I’d built to protect myself.
I remembered shutting down at our dinner date when I saw Cora, watching Lexi’s face fall, seeing the exact moment hope died in her eyes. I’d done nothing to reassure her because I was too busy focusing on my small, petty feelings in Cora’s presence.
I remembered waiting on the second floor overlook each morning, watching Lexi walk in with tears dried on her cheeks, wearing those old clothes again. I’d stood there with clenched fists, seething, refusing to go down and make it right.
My hands started shaking. I pressed them flat against the bar.
She’d asked me a simple question, what were we to each other? And I’d made her feel like an idiot for asking. Like she was clingy and demanding when all she wanted was basic respect.
I’d given Jill more consideration in five minutes tonight than I’d given Lexi in weeks.
“God,” I muttered, my voice hoarse. The club suddenly felt suffocating. It was too loud and crowded, with the music pounding in my skull.
Rafael was still standing there, looking uncomfortable. “You okay, man?”
“When did you notice?” I asked, my voice rough. “When did she start looking… like that?”
He shifted. “I don’t know, maybe a week ago?” He paused. “Why do you care so much about an intern?”
A week. Right after our fight.
Right after I’d decided that being angry with her was easier than admitting I was falling for her.
What the hell had I done?
