I managed a tearful smile. “That’s wonderful, sweetie.”
Evie went back to her game, satisfied, and I turned back to Jonah.
“I know I’m not supposed to blame myself, but I can’t help it. I feel like such a mess. Like I’m too young to be a mother. Too immature, too naïve to be trusted with the responsibility of a child.” My voice shook as I rubbed more tears from my cheeks. “I don’t know why I thought I could do this.”
I paused, suddenly aware of how much I’d just revealed. I’d never admitted this much to anyone, not even Sasha. How did Jonah do this to me? Make me be completely myself around him? Sometimes I made the mistake of thinking we were friends, even though all we’d ever had was lust and passion.
When he spoke next, his voice was thoughtful. “I may not know much about you, Lily, but from what I can see, you’re a fantastic mother already.”
I smiled, warmer and more genuine now. He seemed sincere, and he didn’t look like he was making an effort either. Somehow, being ourselves was easy when it was just the two of us.
I watched Evie for a moment as she arranged her toys in a careful line.
“I’ve been trying to get Evie into a new full-time day care ever since I found out my internship is at a dead-end. And every single place I’ve called has a yearlong waitlist. People are probably putting their kids on these lists before they’ve even conceived them.”
He went quiet.
“I’m doing everything I can to stay on top of work,” I went on. “But how am I supposed to do that if I don’t know where my daughter’s going to be in a few months? WhereIam going to be in a few months? Every time I catch my breath, something else crashes down. And no one talks about how hard single-parenting is. They just expect you to figure it out.”
Still, he didn’t say anything.
“For the past few years, my life has been all about Barbie dolls and the constant loop of ‘Let it Go’.” I swallowed. This conversation had gotten too intimate. “Speaking of Frozen, thank you for Evie’s gift, again. She loves it. Why did you send it?” I asked.
“I wanted her to be happy, and I wanted you to feel relaxed, Lexi,” he said. “Like someone who doesn’t look like she’s carrying the burden of twenty people,” he added. “Like the woman I met at the bar.”
I inhaled. I hadn’t been that woman for a while. It was odd that Jonah had zeroed in on the root of my problems, feeling like I simply couldn’t relax.
Evie hummed to herself on the floor as she made her dolls dance.
“I need to show up for the people who depend on me,” I said, leaving it at that. “Not unlike you when you need to show up for the five thousand employees you are responsible for.”
“Yes, but I don’t do it all alone,” Jonah added. “I have a team of people to take care of me and give me downtime when I need it. I have a housekeeper and a cook —”
“—and a masseuse,” I grinned, even while I was intrigued by details of his life.
“Do you really need two people to take care of you at home?” I teased. “Boy, you must be lazy.”
He laughed, and after a thoughtful moment, asked, “Why do I get the sense that it’s been a long time since you had any downtime, Lexi?”
He was right. I hadn’t had anything remotely resembling a holiday, time off, or even a weekend off since Evie had been born. And my good days with Evie were marred by my mom’s occasional requests for money.
“How old is Evie, Lexi?”
“She’s four-and-a-half.”
He considered that. “Were you in college when you had her?”
“Yes,” I breathed out. “I was all of twenty years old, and I dropped out.”
He inhaled. “So that’s why you didn’t graduate from college,” he said, recalling a conversation we’d had on our very first night together.
I smiled to myself. “I have to give it to you, you do have an amazing memory, Jonah. Even if?—”
“I’m old?” he teased, understanding correctly where I was going.
I laughed. “Oh God, I didn’t mean it that way,” I said, feeling embarrassed.
“I’m thirty-nine, by the way.”
