Heat climbs up my neck and the smell that moments ago reminded me of home threatens to turn my stomach. All I can think about is getting out of here before she sees me—before she ever knows I was here.
She did move on, just like her grandparents said, and in the most permanent of ways.
As for me being better off without her… I guess only time will tell.
Because right now, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to come back to Scotland knowing she’s here, and it’s my fault I never really had a chance to have her.
CHAPTER ONE
Jamie – Now
The moment the plane’s wheels touched the tarmac in Glasgow, a strange mix of anxiety and something like coming home crashed together in my chest.
Ten years.
I haven’t been in this country, touched its rich soil and breathed its crisp, damp air, inten years.
I told myself I would come back someday, after enough time had passed. Yet a decade has come and gone, and I never did. Until now.
The sharp ache that pulsed in my chest the day I left—watching the sprawling city, lush mountains, and River Clyde fade away—was echoed today as I watched that same view come back into focus from my window seat.
I didn’t think my first time back would be like this, or that I’d be riddled with guilt and a sense of foreboding. If I’m honest with myself, I didn’t think of it at all.
But I’m here now, and my numb indifference to this place is thawing as the countryside blurs past my driver’s-side window. My heart is being eviscerated too, knowing there’s no one to blame but myself if I don’t make it in time—if I don’t get to say goodbye to him.
I increase the pressure on the gas pedal and push the engine to drive faster. The hospital in Fort William feels too far even with the Land Rover I rented at the airport. It may as well still be oceans away at this rate.
I’m conscious of the fact Gran might never forgive me if I don’t make it. That she might not forgive me even if I do. She’s never held it against me that I left and didn’t come back, but now?
Now, I’m not so sure.
I pull away from those thoughts and let my brain fully seat itself in the drive. It’s been ten years since I drove on the left side of the road, and I don’t need to add to Gran’s load by turning into oncoming traffic.
Since I moved to the States at fourteen, I learned to drive “the American way” and only ever drove here in the summers when I came back to visit… and then not at all.
I feel a kinship in this moment with Breck, my best friend Rory’s boyfriend. He’s from Australia, and when he visited the States this past winter, he had to figure this out too. I definitely didn’t give him enough credit.
The thought of Rory draws my hand to the screen on the dash. Her name sits just below my dad’s. I called him when I landed, promising an update after I see Gran and Grandad. I know that his inability to jump on a plane with me is weighing on him. God, I hope I can give him good news.
I tap my finger on her contact, welcoming the distraction.
“This is Rory, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Have a great day.” Her voice rings through the cab of the car, followed by a resounding BEEEEP. I tap the red end button and attempt to calculate the time difference between Scotland and Nevada, but I don’t have the brain power to get it right.
I’ll text her from the hospital and tell her to call me when she lands.
I should be there right now, waiting at the airport for her to arrive from Australia. I should be there to hear all about her trip—about how she got the guy and how Breck is moving to Tahoe as soon as he can get his and his daughter Willow’s visas in order. But as fate would have it, as she boarded her plane for home, I boarded a plane for Scotland with no idea when I’ll be going back.
I run a hand through my hair and glance at myself in the rearview mirror. I’m an absolute mess. The auburn strands stick up at odd angles, as opposed to the neatly gelled swoop I usually have them in. My beard is unruly, feeling thicker against my fingers. That might be a good thing though, considering it’s a bit cooler here than back home. Of course, that depends on the day; Lake Tahoe can be as finicky with its weather as Scotland.
I put my contacts in at the airport, so I can’t even hide the dark circles under my eyes or the way they stand out against my pale freckled cheeks. I look exhausted. Iamexhausted.
I’ve never been very good at sleeping on airplanes, and with the constant fear that I wouldn’t make it to the hospital in time, I was on edge through every moment of my flight.
I tap my fingers on the steering wheel and turn onto the bridge over Loch Leven.Twenty minutes.I speed over the bridge, the water rushing beneath me and the stretch of land on either side passing by in a shock of green. I can’t enjoy any of it. Not yet. Not until I see him.
I finally swing into the car park outside the hospital and thank my lucky stars I didn’t hit a lick of traffic. I grab my messenger bag from the seat next to me and nearly rip the door off its hinges in my haste.
I sprint for the entrance and the door slides open, revealing a woman sitting at a desk just inside.
