Slowly, I saw glimpses of who she really was, and I liked it. I wanted it for myself, to own it and possess it.
The first time I fucked her, I was pissed. It was phenomenal. How could she be the best I ever had, when I loved my wife more than anyone on this earth? But the truth was, Mae and I were fumbling teenagers. Looking back, she was always a little fragile, and Adrienne has always been hale and hearty. She gave me the opportunity that I had never allowed myself to have, certain appetites and desires, and that only made me angrier, because she was here, and Mae was not.
And then I came to care for her.
I wouldn’t say I loved her, but I would say I would happily carry on our affair for as long as it played out. But when she let it slip that she loves me, I lost it.
How can she love me? I already told her that I died when my wife did. No one gets to love like that twice in their lives, do they? But now that I think about it, if I let myself really be honest, I fell in love with her months ago. I have been hurting her for weeks, months even, by carrying on an affair that I kept throwing the finality of in her face.
And still, she loves me anyways.
“What am I going to do, Mae?” I ask. I used to talk to her all the time. I used to feel her near me, but now, it’s rare. “I’ve really made a mess of things. Can I move on, or do I let her go?”
When I get no answer, I just keep driving for a while, and then finally I ask, “Would you be okay if I loved her too? I’ll always love you, you know that, but you’re gone, and I’m here. Can I love her too?”
I don’t know why I expect an answer or a sign, something that would tell me that it’s all right to move on. I feel silly for even asking, and then just as suddenly as it started, the rain stops.
“Thank you, honey,” I tell her with tears in my eyes. “I will always love you.”
I started my adult life with a brilliant love, and if I’m lucky, I’ll end my life with one too. It isn’t the same, and it never will be. Both women are about as different as their hair color. But it will be no less beautiful.
I make a U-turn at the first available spot and head back to the hotel. I park and take the elevator, but it feels like it moves at a snail’s pace. I need to get to Adrienne and apologize. I need to tell her I know that I was an ass, and if she’ll forgive me, I will love her until the day I die. And I will spend every day until then making it up to her.
I pull out my room key and open the door. Eric steps out from the sitting room.
“She’s not here,” he says, and the hair on the back of my neck stands on end.
“What do you mean she’s not here?”
“Well, after you fucking broke her, destroyed her, that jackass showed up and offered to take her for ice cream,” he says. “I tried to get her to let me take her instead, but she said a life of what he was willing to give her was safer than loving you.”
“What jackass?” I ask, but I already know.
“Randolph,” he bites out, and fuck me, the answers slam into me like a brick wall. We’ve been looking in the wrong direction. It’s him.
“Call her,” I order. “Now. Get Adrienne on the phone and tell her to get somewhere safe.”
“What?” he asks.
“It’s Randolph,” I tell him. “That’s our guy.”
“I didn’t know,” he stammers. “I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t either until right now. He’s always been there when an incident occurred. No one elses was there every time,” I explain. “Just call her.”
I pull my own phone from my pocket and dial Manny. “Where are you?” I ask when he answers.
“A block away from the hotel.”
“Which way are you coming from?” I ask, and when he replies, I tell him that I’ll meet him downstairs.
“Boss, she’s not answering,” Eric says, and he looks stricken. I can’t babysit him now. I have to get my girl back.
“We’ve got to go,” I tell him. “Manny is five minutes out.”
“Okay,” he says.
“We’re going to get her back.”
