I guess I tried.
That’s it.
NICKOI
I didn’t go far, instead I stay on the lounge chair, smoking and drinking occasionally while staring at the pool. But none of this shit is working. I’m feeling everything. I need something strong. Maybe I need Vodka.
I walk over to my Benz, take out more weed. I took some earlier and built a spliff when I asked Zara for some alone time. There’s another bottle of Hennessy in the car and I already drank one. What I need though is inside.
I get inside, taking out the Vodka and spot Zara on the sofa, watching Riverdale.Maybe that’s what you need.
I stare at her. She looks sad as she stares at the screen. I doubt if she’s watching it. I look away, pouring the Vodka in my cup then feel her hand on mine. She’s standing behind me with her face resting on my back.
“Don’t drink no more babe,” the way her voice sounds. I’ve never had anyone care this much about me.
I ignore her and pour out a little more in my cup. Surprisingly, she takes up the cup and drain it in the sink. I watch her, amused but I mask it.
“I love you and I’m not gonna let you hurt yourself so anything you wah do to me, you do it.”
She think I’m gonna hurt her for throwing away liquor? When I want her more than that Vodka? She’s glaring at me and I lick my lips.
I move closer to her and she sighs before she tip toes and peck my lips. She pulls away, looking at me with a concern expression. I stare at her and start feeling a little calm. She smiles and I smile too.
This is what I’ve been trying to feel all night.
Tranquil.
I’ve been tormented the whole time ever since I spoke with mommy. Everything I tried was a failure. I smoked, went to my favorite place, took countless shots of Hennessy and it didn’t do shit for me. Imagine, that’s how bad it was.
All I wanted and needed was Zara. She wouldn’t mind but she wouldn’t understand that I’m not turned on, I’m just angry so I’d probably hurt her.
I painted too. That didn’t work.
Everything was useless actually. I felt calm when Zara came in the office and I was sure she was the perfect distraction for me but she was there to talk and that’s not what I wanted. This is the shit that happens to me when I’m sober.
Eh ruff, no wonder yuh affi stay high daily.
Now I am feeling a little better, maybe because I’m high and I’ve had too much to drink. I’m not drunk though, I’m a little tipsy and she kissed me. “You ready to talk?” I grab her throat and bite my lip, admiring her short figure.
“Mi say talk Nickoi,” she’s blushing.
I bury my head in her neck. “Doh waah talk.”
She tilts her head and I sniff her skin, her floral redolence inviting. I grip her hips and suck on the skin below her ears.
“Mmm,” she moans and I kiss on her lips. She stifles a moan.
Jah Jah.
I lean her down on the island, deepening the kiss then her hand finds my shoulder and she pushes me gently as she says, “Nickoi stop.”
I know I’m high when I continue to kiss her. She pushes me again and I pull away. “You’re drunk or something and I don’t think you really want this, you want a distraction from what’s happening to you… so I think we should just talk,” she says making me upset.
“Mi nuh drunk, mi just high but Zara you nah go understand,” I tell her. She probably does, mi just nuh know how fi explain it to her.
“Mi nah go understand or you nuh feel comfortable telling me?” She points out and I walk into the living room and slump down.
She’s right in front of me.
