Then, “Wash yuh hand and let him chew pon yuh finger if yuh can.” I’m already halfway to the sink. Kneeling in front of Nickoi, I press my clean index finger between Zahir’s gum. He chews. The crying fades.
“Awww,” I whisper, watching his little body finally relax. Nickoi smiles. I do too.
I thank them, especially Gavin for waking them up. My chest feels lighter, like something massive just rolled off it. Feel like mi woulda mad…
We get him to sleep. Even his sister had woken up from all the bawling, but she’s back down now. I glance at the crib, then shift my eyes to Nickoi sitting on the edge of the bed. I reach over, turn his face toward me. Rest our foreheads together.
“Can we talk?”
43
Elated
Nickoi leans back on the bed, scanning me slow like he’s trying to read
every thought. He licks his lips before pulling out his vape. “Wah yuh wah talk ‘bout?” The smoke eases from his lips, and I swear I forget my own name for a second. His eyes halfway closed like he’s high. Tired too. Was he sleeping? I watch him a beat longer before smiling sheepishly. “You’ve been losing sleep, Nickoi?” He shrugs.
“Nuh really. Mi sleep, just… not enough.” I crawl closer on the bed and find his hand.
“Mi wah talk ‘bout us.” Fingers laced. He’s quiet, staring at our hands.
Then: “Yuh did miss me?” The way him ask it feel like he’s testing the waters.
“Of course,” I roll my eyes. His smile tugs atthe corner of his mouth.
“Mi did miss yuh too,” he says, thumb rubbing my skin like he’s tryna calm something inside him. I rest my head on his chest, heartbeat steady beneath my cheek. “Itwork?” he asks. I already know what hemean. I nod with a small smile, eyes drifting to the crib.
“It make mi appreciate yuh more. When mi deh in the bed and yuh not beside me or even in the office, mi feel like mi lose yuh… like mi push yuh weh with my bad temper.” He doesn’t interrupt. Just listens. “Mi nah go ask why yuh do it, cause mi already know.”
His voice drops low. “Mi never mean fi hurt yuh. A just… when yuh diss mi, mi feel like yuh lose respect fi mi. Mi couldn’t take that. A first somebody ever go there wid me, so mi retaliate. Mi did plan fi do more but…” He pauses. “This happen. And mi proud still, cause it work.”
I touch his arm, letting him know I’m hearing him. “I’m sorry,” I say. “For everything. Fi make yuh deal wid things yuh nuh used to.”
He exhales. “I’m sorry… mi just never show up last night.”
I laugh, embarrassed. “Mi did shame bad enuh, all tears come out a mi eyes.”
He laughs too, then goes quiet again, rubbing my arm. “Wish we could stay this way all the time,” he says.
“No argument, no insecurities, just love and peace.” My heart flutters when he asks, “Yuh think we can do that?” I sigh.
“It can’t always be perfect.”
“Mi know. But it’s always some sort of insecurity mash we up.” He looks at me serious.
“Yuh think yuh can get rid of them?” I hesitate. The way he’s watching me… it feels like my soul under a microscope.
He sits up.
“Mi deh yah a year and change now. Still nah get tired of yuh. Still counting the months. Mi not even member mi ex demname. But you? Mi love yuh a likkle more every day. Mi admire yuh. Plan how fi spoil yuh. Try fi always keep that pretty smile on yuh face and yuh still nuh see that?” His honesty chokes me. Before I can answer, he pulls me down on him and kiss me roughly.
“I… I know..” I get out, our lips in synch. We don’t stop. We can’t stop. Thirty minutes rolls by quickly, we’re wrapped up in each other. His lips trail mine like he’s trying to memorize me again. When my hand brushes his waist and feels the cold metal, I pause, then ease the gun from his pants. He watches me, doesn’t move.
“It’s okay babe… mi a put it down for you,” I say softly, locking it in the cabinet like it’s part of our routine. Truth is, mi still a get used to the feeling, but I want him to see me trying.
“Yuh sure you good wid it?” he asks. I nod, lips curling into a smile.
“Mi still get nervous, but mi alright. Mi a learn fi live wid it.”
