“Under no condition… would you ever catch me slippin…”
Gutta rubs his hands together. “This shit is chess not checkers.”
I chuckle at that.
35
Movie
My heart sinks at the news I’ve just received. I blink twice, staring at
Mama. She smiles, but it’s not joy behind her eyes. “When did this happen?” I ask, barely above a whisper. She cups my face, her thumb brushing under my eye before she squeezes my nose gently, like I’m still her little girl.
“It happen early this morning. When mi wake up, mi couldn’t even feel miself,” she says softly. My chest tightens. She fainted and was here…alone.If it wasn’t for God—don’t say it, Zara. Please don’t say it.
I squint, trying to keep the tears back. The guilt rushes in, heavy and hot. What kind of granddaughter am I?Zara, yuh did affi leave at some point enuh. You cya blame yourself for not being here.
But she’s in her seventies. She shouldn’t be by herself. Not anymore.Yuh always deh ya inna the days, that count. You notthe only family member who fi visit.Except we both know some family only show up when somebody dead or hear seh dem sick. I come by almost every day. I stay through lunch, talk with her, sit on the veranda and help her move around. But when night comes, I always leave. I wasn’t here when she needed me. And this morning… Icould’ve found her… I burst into tears.
“I’m so sorry, Mama.” She tries to pull me back into the present.
“Come on now, Zara. Don’t cry. God is good.” But I’m already sobbing.
“I hope you know I love you. It’s just the responsibilities keeping me away,” I say through the tears. Mama’s always there for everyone. Always. And when she needed someone, when she needed me, I wasn’t there.
“You were there when I needed you the most,” I continue, “and I wasn’t here when you needed me.” She hushes me gently, pulling me into a hug.
“You, Gavin, and Sash always show up. And you have your own family now. Don’t beat yourself up, Zara.” I sigh into her shoulder.
“So… Mommy knows?” I ask once we pull apart. She nods, looking away like she’s hiding something.
“What is it?” I ask. She hesitates. Her hand fidgets with her wedding ring.
“Michelle seh she a take me,” she says quietly. My breath catches. Take her? She’s leaving? I know it’s for the best. Mommy’s more stable. She can be there in ways I can’t always manage. But still… I visit almost every day. Maybe it’s not enough.It is enough, Zara. Stop beat up yourself. Be grateful Mama still here.
I nod slowly. “Okay,” I say softly. Mama is still turning her wedding ring, her eyes far off. Maybe thinking about Grandpa.Maybe something else. I hate this situation. I really do. Then, her voice cuts through the silence.
“Mi nah go,” she says.
I blink. “What?”
“Mi nah leave you and the babies.”
I smile, surprised and relieved. “Really?”
“Apart from Nickoi, yuh really nuh have nobody else down here. Inna times like these, yuh need mi ‘round. Mi know yuh nuh always understand the babies.” I chuckle through my sniffles. She’s right. Some days, I wake up like I got this motherhood thing together, other days, mi a ask miself a wah mi a do? But now a new question rises. So… who’s going to stay with Mama if she doesn’t go up to foreign? My smile fades, and a thought creeps in.
“But…” I trail off, voice low. Mama waits, watching me closely.
“You could stay with me?” I ask, voice soft like a suggestion.
Mama beams. “Yes.” But then, just like that, her smile fades. Wah dis now?
“You have a fiancé and your babies enuh, Mama nuh wah come invade unuh privacy,” she says, trying to play it off with a light chuckle. I stare at her. Is she being serious right now? Privacy? I don’t care about privacy. I’m not even thinking about asking Nickoi for permission. Mama’s safety comes first. And if he has a problem with it? Me and the babies can move out.
Twenty minutes later, after helping Mama get ready and packing a small suitcase, we pull up at home. It’s 7 PM when we step inside. “I can never get over how big and nice this house is,” Mama smiles as she slips off her shoes. The scent of curry hits me instantly, curry chicken, maybe shrimp too and the TV’s on, but it doesn’t sound like anything Nickoi would normally watch. I squint, sniff the air again. No sah… that can’t be him. I push Mama’s suitcase aside and close the front door behind me. Aswe walk through the living room, I spot the twins on the carpet, clean, happy, dressed in matching Polo onesies. My polo babies.
“Who’s here?” I ask aloud, even though I know they can’t answer me.
