“I just don’t want you in anymore trouble,” I say, barely able to hold my tears. He exhales, deep and sharp.
“Zara mi have rules an’ she break every single one. Death is a must.”
“If mi don’t, your life in danger and mi a go always protect yuh. Knowing Juaqína, she nah stop. And we have rules we affi live by, and she break every single one. Mi know you nuh wah see dis side of me… so just leave the room,” he says, his voice steady but low.
I shake my head, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Please,” I whisper.
“I-I don’t want you to,” I cry, barely getting the words out.Zara, go siddung somewhere!
Gutta cuts in. “Bredda, mi will dweet fi yuh, cause a death before dishonor.”
We both look at him. He gets quiet, eyes dark, then nods.
“Ah bring her to the underground… and mek sure yuh kill har,” he orders, voice cold. Mi nuh like it… but mi feel better.
“Nuh seh 40, mi General,” Gutta mutters, before dragging her out. Nickoi leans on his desk, jaw tight, eyes blazing.
“Nickoi,” I say gently, “this is your life, and mi accept you. But mi a beg you… mi nuh wah you kill nobody else. Mi know yuh a protect yuhself and yuh loved ones, but it better if yuh just mek the workers handle that part. Mi know it rough fi you, but please… just listen.” He sighs.
“Mi cyaa do dat, Zara. This a just my life.”
“It doesn’t have to be like this,” I say, stepping closer. “You can still run yuh business, do yuh thing but no more killing, baby. Please.” He moves over to grab a weed but I stop him, holding it in my hand.
“Try feel, Nickoi. Don’t get high or drunk now. Feel this moment. Hear mi. Understand mi. Mi nah ask you fi change everything… mi love you just how you are. But mi a beg yuh… just stop… deh killing sup’m deh.” His face changes. A strange expression takes over, quiet… almost haunting. He looks down at me.
“Mi wah fi stop and live a normal life with you, yuh zi mi… but mi cyaa do that,” Nickoi says, his voice low, heavy. “Zara, you wouldn’t even understand.”
“So Nickoi… mek me understand nuh!” Tears prick my eyes and he wipes them gently but stays quiet. “Mi know you a bad man and this life come wid certain things, yuh have people fi protect and mi know yuh affi protect yourself too… but why you can’t just let somebody else do the killing? Why you affi do it wid yuh own hands?” I ask, holding his hand tight. He looks down.
“Please,” I whisper through tears. Then the thought drops on me hard. “I’m your weakness…” I choke out. “So maybe mi affi go. Just so yuh can focus, because mi nuh wah nobody one step ahead of you because a me. We could still be together, but just mek yuh enemies believe say we’re not…”
“Mi rather dead than do that,” he cuts in, serious. His face… unreadable. But his eyes, raw.
“Nickoi,” I sniffle, frustrated and scared.Awww… poor Zara.
“Zara, mi go wah yuh stop cry,” he says, reaching to wipe my tears again but they just keep coming. I can’t help it.
“Why you want mi do this so bad?” he asks me, but his tone shifts, there’s somethingoffin it, like it’s hurting him too.
“Because mi doh wah lose yuh… just like how you doh wah lose me,” I say, my voice shaking.
“So mi willing fi hide we relationship, mi willing fi make people believe seh we not together… just so yuh can stay safe. Just so yuh can lock in and move different.”
I pause and look straight in his eyes. “All a your enemies dem… a me dem a target now.” I touch my belly gently.
“And mi doh wah lose you, not to death… not to prison. We need yuh… me and her,” I sob.Awwww.He gets real still. Silent. Eyes glued to the floor. And then his eyes start to water.
“Yow…” he whispers, turning his face away. His voice cracks. Wait. What? I blink through my own tears, heart thudding in disbelief. Nickoi… crying? I stare at him, shocked. My tough, hard-hearted, fearless Nickoi… him really a cry? He knows I’m watching him too, cause him shut him eyes tight, trying to hold it in. But I see it. Raw tears. He can’t even stop them now. Damn… this is a first.
Zara… you really make history today.
I reach out and touch his arm gently. “Nickoi…” I whisper, still shocked, still crying. He opens his eyes and I see them… red.Real tears.A really tears this? Somebody pinch mi deh cause a wah dream.
“Mi nah ever mek none of them hurt you again,” Nickoi says, his voice low, heavy, trembling. “Matter of fact… mi a mek a promise to yuh right now.” He looks me dead in the eye, tears streaming now. No more hiding. “Mi nah ever mek nobody put no gun pan yuh. Mi nah mek yuh go through no more trauma again. And mi swear… pan mi fada grave… seh this a go be your last time going through something like this. Mi promise… mi nah kill nobody again,” he pauses, swallowing back the emotion.
“If mi affi, mi nah go do it directly.” And just like that… he breaks. The tears take over. He fights it, God knows he’s trying, but mi can see it in him, he’s giving up the fight and just letting me see himfeelfor the first time.
