He gives me a once-over. “He's in the back. The keys go in the fake bucket by the door. I expect you to leave them there and be gone by morning, yes?”
"Yes, sir, and I will leave money for whatever my boy chooses behind as well, please. And a tip.”
"No tip needed, young man. This type of thing seems to happen every year. Whether it's a tourist or a local, someone gets their underwear in a twist."
I smile as he leaves the shop. Then I lock the door behind him. No need for anyone else to stumble in here thinking it's open.
Weaving through the rows of toys, I give myself time to prepare a speech. There’s no room to fuck this up. Eddie is already upset. The wrong words will only make it worse.
He has to understand that this really had nothing to do with him and the way he thinks. I don't despise him or want to be away from him.
I despise this pining feeling that I have, this urge to make him mine when I can’t. Or at least that I thought I couldn't.
The hope I have that he'll accept me and let me be his Daddy is immense.
I don't find him until I get to the back of the store. It's then that everything in me, every piece of my Daddy heart, surges forward.
I drop to my knees at the edge of the play carpet and crawl forward.
"Eddie," I whisper, trying to get his attention.
My sweet boy has curled himself into a ball, a stuffed animal tucked to his chest and a blanket covering only his head. It's not near big enough to cover his whole body. I can see why he would want to hide.
The blanket shakes and the soft whimpers I hear tells me yet another reason why he's hiding. My boy hates crying in front of others.
"Eddie, please come here. I need to talk to you."
He tells me no with a silent rebuttal. The blanket moves with his head, making it clear I’m not welcome.
He’s normally one to talk on and on and on when he's Little. To have him go quiet like this tells me I have truly fucked up.
There's only one thing I can do. I sit on the floor beside him and cross my legs. Taking a deep breath, I begin my story.
“The day I met you is arguably one of the greatest days of my life. Not only did I find someone who would become my best friend, but I found the man that I love.”
His whimpering dies down. It's as if he wants to be able to hear me clearly, so I don't stop.
“I knew the minute we met that you would be special to me. I didn't even know you were Little at the time. Of course I found out later and it all started to make sense. As a Daddy to my core, finding you felt like perfect timing. But then you insisted that we would be the best of friends.
“And I loved it. I have loved every minute that I have gotten to spend time with you. Yet all those minutes added together to make this feeling I have for you more intense. I can’t call it a crush. It's more than that.
“There isn’t a good enough word to describe how I miss you when you're not around and how I think of you all the time. No word does justice to how often I spend contemplating the future you and I could have if only I could get my head out of my ass and admit how I feel about you.”
I take a shaky breath. My chest hurts with every new revelation. It’s like the more I process out loud, the more I realize how deep in my feelings I’ve been.
“And instead of doing any of that, I ran because I thought there was no chance in hell that I would have you any other way than as a friend. Watching you this summer make new friendships and moon over some baseball player in our city broke me. I don't want to sit by and watch you be with anyone else. I don't know that I can. You have always been mine. At least that's how I saw it.
“You showing interest in someone else made it feel like I was just living in some fantasy. Like this dream of mine could never possibly come true. With the holidays, I thought about spending an entire week with you alone and knew I couldn’t. Because if you didn't feel the same way about me, I couldn't risk blowing up our friendship.
“I managed to fuck it up anyway. I made you cry. I hate making you cry, Eddie. I think I've done it twice in all our years of friendship. Both times were on accident. Once because I scared you and another because we watched a movie that I didn't realize was scary. Those moments shredded me. This time, it's not even an accident. I intentionally chose to leave you behind. And when you show up, I couldn't even find the words to be honest with you.”
Tears trickle down my face at the confession.
“Fuck,” I mumble, wiping them away.
As I've been giving my speech, I've been staring out into the store, my gaze bouncing around the different toys. I'm already thinking of what I’m going to buy him, whether he forgives me or not.
It shocks me when I turn to look back at him and find his eyes peeking out from under the blanket. He stares at me, and I smile softly.
