In truth, he did. “Aye, I do,” he replied. “But… you could have told me. I could have helped you.”
She sighed sharply, frustrated by his statement. “Is that really true?” she nearly demanded. “I have known you a matter of two days. How would it seem if I suddenly came out and told you that my father and brother had been starving so my idiotic brother had taken to murdering people to steal their food? You do not know me and know that I am as reasonable and honorable as a woman can be. You would have thought I was mad for telling you such things. Worse still, you might have thought I was even in league with them. Of course I could not tell you; I did not know you well enough. And I did not want to ruin what we had building between us.”
It made perfect, utter sense to Val. “I suppose I do see your point,” he said reluctantly. “I suppose I cannot blame you for not telling me. But you do see how shocking this was to me– to discover all of this. And McCloud… God’s Bones, what has happened to that man I knew?”
It was a rhetorical question, perhaps not really seeking an answer, but Vesper chose to answer it. “I do not know,” she said. “You can imagine my horror when he told me.”
“I believe I can.”
Silence fell between them, a painful silence that left them both wondering if there was anything else to say on the matter. Vesper finally sighed faintly, a sound of misery.
“Will you please permit me to leave now?” she asked.
Val looked at her; her lowered head, her slumped shoulders. It was killing him that she refused to look him in the eye.
“I told you that I do not hate you,” he murmured. “Will youpleaselook at me?”
She shook her head. “Nay,” she responded, the tears coming once more. “Please do not make me.”
Val’s heart was breaking. “Then what can I do?” he asked. “Is it because of your brother? I had no choice, Vesper. The man was guilty. It is my duty to render judgement and carry out sentencing, which is what I did. I will not apologize for doing my duty.”
Vesper shook her head, peeping an eye open to see her father several feet away as the man cradled a headless corpse. She quickly shut her eyes again. “You do not have to,” she said. “I understand that you did what you had to do. As for my brother, I have no love for him. He was a wicked man and my father never disciplined him, not even when he… suffice it to say that my brother has caused me years of misery. If it is wicked to be relieved for another’s death, then I am wicked. I am relieved.”
Val had to admit he was glad to hear that. At least she bore no grudge against him. “Then what can I do to make things right again? I understand you had no part in this. I understand this was your father’s doing. Will you please look at me now?”
Vesper opened her eyes but she stopped short of looking at him. “Please,” she whispered, “you must understand that I discovered something about myself over the past two days. I never believed that I could feel for someone the way I feel for you. You make me… happy. So very happy. But I feel as if I have betrayed all of that by being part of a family who murders and lies. You asked to court me, Val; I cannot allow it. You do not deserve to be related to a family of murderers. As the Itinerant Justice, that would be most shameful if people discovered your association. Do you not understand that? It is for your own good that I must do this.”
He was shocked to hear this. “You will let me decide what is in my best interest,” he said. “I am unconcerned with being related to the House of d’Avignon. The name still stands for something, something good, at least to most people who remember your father and grandfather, and their honor as knights.”
Tears were running down Vesper’s face as she quickly wiped them away. He just didn’t seem to understand that she was only thinking of him. “But someday, it will not. Word of this will spread and it would be most shameful for you.”
Val couldn’t help it. He reached out and grabbed her by the arms, giving her a shake so her head rolled back and he finally found himself looking into those beautiful hazel eyes.
“Listen to me,” he said. “I have never felt for anyone as I feel for you. I do not give my affections frequently or easily, and I have done both with you. I know that I was shocked earlier when I discovered what you knew of your father and brother, but that has been forgotten. I still intend to court you and, God willing, marry you someday. This incident with your brother and father… it is over now. Justice has been rendered and I will deal with McCloud appropriately. But that is wholly separate from my feelings or intentions towards you. Is that clear enough?”
Vesper shook her head, turning her gaze sideways so she wouldn’t have to look at him. “I cannot let you.”
“Is it because you do not feel for me as I feel for you? I thought you did. You were clear that you did. How has that changed, Vesper? I have not done anything wrong and neither have you.”
She tried to lift her hand to wipe at her watery eyes but the way he was holding her arms made that impossible. She finally gave up. “I care for youtoomuch; that is why I must spare you.”
“You will let me decide my own risks. And you are well worth anything I have to endure. Please believe me, Vesper.”
His last few words were pleading with her, a man who had lowered his guard and was now vulnerable. Vesper could hear it in his voice and it was enough to give her a small measure of hope. Was it true? Did he really feel as if she wasn’t a liability to his work and reputation? Her heart, so shattered by the recent turn of events, began to feel stronger. But she still wasn’t convinced. She swallowed away the last of her tears.
“Will you do something for me, then?” she asked.
He didn’t hesitate. “Anything.”
“Let me return to Eynsford. Let me put some distance and time between us, and let us both think very hard on whether or not we still wish to pursue this relationship. Something has happened to it, Val; something dark and terrible. It has been damaged. Please…let us both decide if it can be mended.”
“I know it can be mended.”
She lifted her hands, putting them on his chest in a pleading manner. “Much has happened today and you are full of emotion,” she said earnestly. “You are, mayhap, not thinking as clearly as you should. Let me return to Eynsford and you return to Selborne. Ponder what a relationship with me will really entail, the sister of a murder. If, after a time, you still feel the same way, then send for me.”
Val could see that she was probably correct. Today had been an important event in his life. He was still riding high on the emotion of it. Perhaps he would go home and, after thinking carefully about everything, decide that he wanted to put it, and Vesper, behind him. But he felt so strongly for her that he couldn’t imagine that would be the case. He was fairly certain that he loved her, even after knowing her such a short time, but he would not say so.
Perhaps she was right– perhaps they both needed time to think.
