My front door bounces open as several elderly women pile into my home.
“I can’t see anything. Crocus, does he have fancy artwork up everywhere? All I can see are blobs.”
“Look at this kitchen! I bet this is the show kitchen!”
“Marble countertops.” An elderly woman shakes her head in judgment. “The way those stain.”
“You got any steak, hot buns? I need red meat after the night I’ve had. Can’t get the good shit on the island. Jenna, you need to tell your mother that I’m old. My cholesterol is between me and God. I only have so many years on this earth. I don’t want to eat sticks and fungus,” Mavis rails.
“I told you to wait outside!” Jenna screeches while the seniors stream into my living room from the open show kitchen.
“I need to use the bathroom.” Gardenia walks headfirst into me. I grab the elderly woman before she can topple over.
“Unhand me, scoundrel! Oh.” Her wrinkled but surprisingly strong hand gropes my face, my chest, then—
“Don’t touch his junk—gosh!” Jenna shoos the elderly woman away.
“Ooh, an open bar!” Crocus exclaims.
“Don’t touch that,” Jenna barks.
“They’re guests,” I tell Jenna mildly. “It’s polite to offer a guest a drink.”
“Look, we’re not staying.”
My eyes narrow. “You sure? Because it seems like you’re a bit in over your head. You still haven’t told me what happened to your face.”
“You don’t get to judge me. You stole my dog.” Jenna wags her finger at me.
“You’re not a safe place for him.”
“She blew up my FWB’s boat. He has a cock like a porn star’s, and now he’s never going to talk to me again,” Sunflower complains to me. “Do you know how hard it is to find a nice piece of ass on an island?”
“Cupcake…”
“Look, this is not normally how things go for me.” Jenna frets. “I’m actually a very traditional, quiet person.”
Gardenia reaches out to grope at Jenna’s face, almost poking her in the eye. “Ooh… that doesn’t feel right. Look, girlie, just shave them and draw them on. That’s what I do. Started in the forties and never went back.”
“Do you have an elevator? I don’t think I can go up these stairs.” Sunflower has a hand on the banister.
“My great-grandmother is drinking your fifty-thousand-dollar bottle of liquor. Can we please just wrap this up?” Jenna makes a rolling motion with her hands.
I cross my arms. “It’s worth it just to hear you admit that you were wrong.”
“The only reason things went to shit is because you showed up.” She’s right up on me, furious, her finger poking me in the chest.
“Really, Cupcake?I’mthe reason your grand revenge plan went up in flames? I’m not the one who emptied out the retirement home to make a Thanksgiving side dish at her ex’s house.”
“You know what?” Jenna scoops up Truman, who paddles his paws in the air in my direction. “We’re going to go take our chances with the Coast Guard.”
21
JENNA
It’s clear that living at my mom’s house isn’t going to work.
It’s not even the commute, which is a solid two and a half hours each way.
