“No pressure. Like if I only get as far as putting on the skates?”
He moved closer, and gently moved my face to face him, catching my gaze. I focused my eyes on his.
“None. Even if we don’t move from this blanket and all you do isthinkabout doing it.”
The twinkle lights danced in his eyes and I searched them for any hint of lying. But he was open and honest and truly wanted whatever I wanted at this moment. My voice dropped to a whisper.
“I’m scared.”
He pressed his forehead against mine, and the chilliness of the air was replaced by his warmth. “That’s okay.” He pressed a kiss to my nose and sat back.
I took a deep shaky breath and gave myself a curt nod. He got to his feet and helped me up and I shook my hands to get rid of the trembling nerves. Slowly he led me over to the bench where the skates had been sitting all evening.
“Do you know how to skate?” I asked, and it felt like something I should already know.
“I’m about as graceful as a baby deer, but I made an effort to learn when Zara became interested. My parents aren’t around as much, and I wanted Zara to have someone who could skate with her.”
My heart warmed at that—at how caring he was. I sat down next to him and slowly pulled off my boots and pulled the skates on one at a time, lacing them up tight. It was as if muscle memory took over, and despite the trembling in my hands and breath, it felt…good.
Getting upand actually putting the skates on the ice—that took longer. To build up the courage, to face the mental fear, but like he said, Lukas didn’t pressure me.
I stood at the entrance to the rink and so many memories played across my mind of all the times I’d been directly right here, fighting the anxiety and butterflies as well as prepping myself to step out onto the ice. It was maybe a little ironic or funny how similar the experiences were pre and post-accident. How the feelings were almost identical.
Lukas was already on the ice, waiting patiently for me. He wasn’t skating, and he seemed pretty steady, but his hand was gripping the wall rather tightly. I giggled, and the tension started to break. The feelings might be the same, but the differenceswere there. No more Asher to quell the nerves and give me reassurance.
Instead, it was Lukas and his care and attentiveness and maybe the death grip he had on the wall, but I took a deep breath and stepped out on the ice for the first time since the day everything changed.
I wobbled for the first few moments, letting my muscles remember. My knee twinged the tiniest bit, but then it felt like no time had passed. I glided around the rink, my skates skimming over the surface as I picked up speed. I could feel my heartbeat rising in my chest, quickening as the air rushed past, chilling the tip of my nose, and blowing the loose strands about.
I spun and pushed myself off backwards, crossing my skates, picking up speed and spinning back around. Moves that had been drilled so hard and deep into my body even the lack of practice couldn’t purge them from me. I kept going, faster and faster and faster. My breaths were heaving gasps now. I could hear the quiet thunder of the people in the stands as well as the heavy silence that would fall as breaths were held and complex skills were executed. And then, the kinetic frenzy that would fill the atmosphere once they were successfully completed.
It didn’t feel like I was back at that day—which had always been a fear…that if I stepped foot on the ice again to skate, I would only remember the worst thing to ever happen. But this was a culmination of everything except that day—all the good things, the reasons I loved it and suddenly it was too much. I skidded to a stop, and tears slipped down my face. Gasping sobs wrenched from me, but they weren’t filled with sadness, but this blinding relief and borderline happiness.
I felt Lukas before I could see him, tears blurring my vision. I was wrapped in his arms and tucked against his chest. I pressed into him and tried to convey how much it meant that he brought me here, that he’d found me and stood by me.
“Hey, pretty girl. Good tears or bad tears?” he asked, his lips next to my ear.
I sniffled and leaned back. Tears still dripped heavy from my eyes, but his thumbs caught them and brushed them away.
“I was scared that it was going to dredge up the bad.”
“But?” He hedged.
“But, instead I can only think about how much I missed it, how much I refused to even let myself entertain the idea of ever skating again. And then you barged into my life and you’ve helped to wash away the dark and doubt. I don’t know if I would have ever put skates on again if it wasn’t for you.”
I wiped the last of the tears from my eyes and face and hoped that whatever Lukas saw there, he knew how grateful I was towards him…for him.
I thought that after Asher I would never want to be with anyone again—Asher was supposed to be my forever. He was my partner, turned friend, to lover, to eternity with an Olympic medal between us—maybe more than one. And when the accident happened, I thought that was it for me. My one great love was over—my chance had been blown.
But here was Lukas, a little bumbling with the terrible habit of putting his foot in his mouth, but so utterly caring and present. Someone I could see spending a life with him—he already said he wasn’t going anywhere.
“You’re staring at me,” he whispered, tucking a strand of hair back behind my ear.
“Uh-huh,” I said, but didn’t take my eyes off of him.
“You know, a picture lasts longer,” he said.
I snorted and wiped the last of the tears off my face.
