I stared at my best friend incredulously, “You’re kidding right now, right? You, who dumped hot chocolate on the man’s head for upsetting me—you’retelling me that him showing up at my door at seven in the morning, after basically conning my room number, iskind of sweet?”
She grinned at me.
“Oh, I’m totally getting rid of all your fucking dark mafia, spicy bully romance books when we get home. You have a problem,” I said.
“Oh, come on, Aimee. You know I have your back, and I’ll gladly dump hot chocolate on his head again—or any guy for that matter that hurts or upsets you. But I think poor Lukas —”
“Poor Lukas?” I scoffed.
“Yes,poor Lukas. I think he has it bad, bad,badfor you, and he just lost all sense. Lost a filter, a brain cell—or two. I don’t know, but I don’t think he’s actually a jerk. I stood there talking to him for a bit before the whole altercation happened. He didn’t give jerk vibes.”
I wanted to argue with her, but I feared that she was probably right. He’d been…a lot—flustered—like a disconnect between what he wanted to say and what came out of his mouth. But there had been moments yesterday that he seemed to be warring with himself. And then this morning…
Heat bloomed on my cheeks, and my-too-observant-for-her-own-good-best friend noticed.
“So…what happened this morning?”
There was no way I was telling her that there had been this morning where Lukas had checked me out. I’d felt his eyes like a searing touch across the entire length of my body. I’d already opened the door in a fit of annoyance when I remembered what I was wearing—an oversized band shirt I’d stolen from Asher years ago…and no pants. Just rather skimpy cotton undies. His gaze had traveled the full length of me, from my face to my feet and back up. I wasn’t sure if he’d known he’d licked his lower lip, just a peek of his tongue. Or that his brown eyes had grown dark and melty and I nearly lost every ounce of common sense.
At that moment, I wantednothingmore than to feel his hands on my body. His lips…I blinked furiously and moved onto the fruit.
“Nothing happened this morning,” I inwardly cringed at the sound of my voice, and I knew instantly that Eloise heard the false note.
“Are you sure you want to trash those spicy romances? One, Val would be heartbroken, and two, Lukas seems like he’d be the best kind of fun in bed...probably down to trying anything. Fulfill any desire.”
I looked up at her, eyes wide as she mouthedbutt stuffand the lady standing next to me must’ve read her lips. She gasped, affronted, and muttered something about this being a family establishment. I smothered the laugh that wanted to escape.
We both exited the buffet line at the same time, barely keeping our chill, leaving the annoyed lady behind. Eloise nudged me as we neared the table. Annalise was scrolling on her phone, and Orion—my sap of a brother—was staring at her like she was the moon and stars. It was sweet—they were sweet. But it didn’t escape how the display made something in my chest twinge.
Eloise started teasing Orion the moment we sat down, and that had Annalise looking up from her phone to join in. I ate and their voices faded into the background and the twinging in my chest grew tight. I could feel my pulse kicking up, as everything I lost started flooding into me. They all got to be with the person they loved.
And I couldn’t.
And it was my fault.
I set everything down and excused myself. I think I muttered something about needing the bathroom, but I wasn’t sure if I said it out loud or just in my head. I needed to get out. Get away. Seeing my brother and Annalise like that—too many memories bombarded me and suddenly everything was too raw. Too close to the surface.
Eloise looked at me with concern and reached out to touch my arm, but I jerked away.
The world went from muffled to blaring, too loud, too much. I moved faster, ignoring my brother’s calls of concern. I knew that either Eloise or Annalise would stop him from coming after me. If I remembered, I would have to thank them later.
My chest was heaving and I needed air. I ducked around staff and other patrons as I searched for somewhere quiet. Somewhere with air I could breathe. The Lodge wasn’t a huge space, but there seemed to be people everywhere. Couples in every secluded corner flashing heart eyes at each other. And every love filled glance hurt and threatened to send me over the precarious edge I was currently straddling. The ground was crumbling under my feet and I was afraid that if I fell—there was no coming back.
I was gasping for breaths when I slipped outside, stumbling along the side of the building. The chilly morning air hit my lungs and I felt a tiny little bit of control slip back into my grasp. I pressed my back against the wall and focused on forcing airinto my lungs. I relished in the cold, letting it numb me, and I slipped my phone out of my pocket. I didn’t think about it, I just hit Brennan’s icon.
Maybe I should have called my therapist, but I used to talk to Brennan every single day. And right in this moment, it was his voice I wanted to hear. Tears burned in the corners of my eyes as I thought about how Brennan was just another person I’d failed, and I hastily wiped at them as they slipped down my cheeks. My failings seemed to be piling up. I bit back a sob. Cutting Brennan out of my life was just another reason for people to be tired of my shit.
Therapy says that grief doesn’t have a timeline—that we all deal with it in our own ways, in our own time. But it was so damn clear—even to a complete stranger like Lukas—that I was meant to have moved on by now.
“Aimee?”
I tried to stifle the sob, but he knew me.
“What’s wrong? Where are you?” He asked.
I could hear the sounds of the rink in the background. I shouldn’t be surprised that he was there—he didn’t stop skating or coaching after the accident. He’d taken time off, but he was currently helping Nicola and Louis, maybe Brittney.
I squeezed my eyes shut. Hearing his voice, it was like a balm. It worked with the cool air to settle me.
