I woke up,bolting straight up in bed.
Hair stuck to my face, sweat covering my body. My heart beat erratically in my chest and my lungs refused to work properly. I struggled to unwrap the blankets from around my legs as my stomach threatened to expel its meager contents. Practically falling out of bed, I raced towards the bathroom.
My face was in the toilet moments before the burn of vomit tore up my throat. I held myself there as tears fell from my eyes and my stomach continued to heave. It had been months since the dreams had been that vivid. My hold body felt jittery and my hands trembled where they gripped the sides of the toilet.
Bile burned, and I coughed and spit.
I felt Eloise come up behind me, pulling strands of my hair back with one hand, and using the other to rub my back in comforting circles.
I squeezed my eyes shut and when I was certain the vomiting was done, I moved back and drew my knees to my chest. I wanted to bury my face in them, shut myself away, but before I could, Eloise filled a small cup with water and handed it to me. I sipped it as she wet a washcloth and used it to wipe away the tears and the pain—if only it were that easy.
I loved her, but her ministrations just made me cry harder. So she sat there with me, on the cold tile floor as I broke and shattered and once again relived the worst day of my life.
I don’t know how long we sat there in silence, but my brain wouldn’t shut up. Flashes of moments played over and over and over in my mind, tormenting me and haunting me. Filling me with so much guilt and pain and the desperate wish for it to all just stop and go away. At the moment, I wanted that old darkness to swallow me whole. To be able to just go numb and block out all of the pain. I let Eloise pull me to my feet, my legs shaky and a tad unsteady. I let her lead me to my bed, and I crawled in.
I heard the click of the remote, and the soft glow of the television lit up the room with a flickering light.
She crawled into my bed beside me and curled up next to me, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me tightly.
Eloise had always been there, always there to back me up, take my side—as I was for her…once upon a time. I don’t think I’ve been very good in that department lately. She didn’t have to say a thing, but knowing she was there, it made the nightmares seem a little less overwhelming.
“Bad one, huh?” She asked, her voice soft and low.
I nodded, and swallowed the thickness in my throat and blinked back the burning in my eyes. My head was going to bepounding in the morning. I didn’t need to further add to my suffering.
“You know, if you ever want to talk to me about them, I’m here.”
I shifted to look at her. Her eyes searched mine and she gently brushed rogue hairs out of my eyes.
“I know,” I whispered.
The truth was…I wanted to talk about all this shit. Today made me realize that I was tired of it weighing on me. Being on that ice with Zara, finding an inkling of love for the sport that used to rule my life—that was something I truly never expected to find again, but I felt guilty feeling any of that.
Eloise searched my face again, probably looking for some indicator that I was ready to divulge all my inner thoughts. I knew she wouldn’t judge me, but the fear—the worst case scenarios playing out in my head wouldn’t let me open my mouth. My brain wouldn’t let the words come out.
She tucked loose strands of my hair back behind my ears. “I love you regardless.”
I wiggled closer and felt her arms come back around me. I hugged her back. “I love you, too.”
We let go of each other, but stayed curled close and let the flickering of the television and the mindless bickering of a couple trying to buy a house lull us to sleep.
I wokeup to Eloise’s alarm blaring some obnoxiously loud song that my still sleeping mind couldn’t process. It was loud and annoying, so I kicked her under the covers until she silenced it.
I rolled over and checked my own phone and wanted to kick Eloise out of my bed and straight onto the floor from setting a seven in the morning alarm on vacation. I squinted against the brightness of my phone screen in the dark room and let it fall face first against the mattress. I rolled over onto my stomach and was just getting comfy, my eyes drifting shut when her damn phone started screaming again.
“Eloise. I swear to God if you don’t turn that thing off, I’m going to flush it down the toilet,” I growled and kicked her again.
She grunted, but I watched through slitted eyes as she did more than just hit snooze on the alarm. I snuggled back into the blankets, reclaiming the cozy comfort I’d been enveloped in all night, when there was a fucking knock at the door.
Probably someone coming to complain about that damn alarm waking the whole floor. Knowing Eloise was out cold again, I knew she didn’t hear the second or third knock that followed the first one. I ripped the blankets off my body and hissed at the cold air as it brought goosebumps to my skin.
A fourth knock, and I didn’t care if they were pissed about the alarm, I was tired and cold and it was seven in the damn morning. I was going to bitch them out. I stormed across the floor and unbolted the door, whipping it open, ready to lay into the person standing there. I opened my mouth to tell them to fuck off, when all the words died on my lips.
CHAPTER 9
lukas
This was a bad idea.
