“Sssh, you have nothing to apologize for. Samantha—your mom—has been keeping us up to date,” she said.
“You know you’re welcome here anytime…we know it’s been hard. We don’t blame you,” Jon said.
I swallowed, hard and looked up. I could feel my chin trembling, and Ihopedeverything I wanted to say, but couldn’t was evident in my eyes.
“We know sweetie,” Alice said as she hugged me, and I closed my eyes.
For a moment, I turned off every doubt in my head and just let myself be here for this moment. I let myself memorize this feeling.
Asher’s roomwas still the same.
Bed unmade. Papers and books littering his desk. Clothes were spilling out of his hamper, and the closet door was half-open. His walls were covered in awards and medals. I touched a picture of the two of us smiling, heads titled together, clinking our medals together. It was the first time we’d competed at a professional level and we’d won second place. There were pictures of us throughout his room.
I wiped errant tears away.
So much of our lives had been entangled with each other. A sob escaped when I saw the picture he had by his bed. It was from our second date. I sat down and pulled it into my lap. It was the end of July, the state fair had opened and he took me. I was staring at him. He had a huge smile on his face with his eyes lit up. He had his head thrown back in a laugh. The lights of the rides painted us in technicolor. I touched his face and felt something crack in my chest. It cleaved and gave way to heaving sobs.
Curling on his bed, I buried my face in blankets that still smelled vaguely like him and I wondered where and how it could have gone so wrong between us. I was all over his room, so I didn’t understand, and he was gone. I stared out into his room and pictured all of the times we’d been here together.
Maybe it was wrong to do more than just remember him. I wanted to imagine him walking through the door, dropping his stuff on the floor—only to complain about it later. I wanted topicture his smile, and how he’d tease me before crawling over me into his bed. And before, we’d just lay there side by side talking and hanging out…after he kissed me, then I’d feel the weight of his arm over my waist, the feel of body as he curled around me and we dozed after a hard practice.
I laid there until the sobs turned into silent tears that slipped down my cheeks. When I sat up, my head felt stuffy and heavy and I didn’t know if I wanted anything of Asher’s—but then I saw it.
The tears burned hot once again, and with shaking hands I reached for the teddy bear that was on the floor near the foot of his bed. It was the first bear we’d ever been tossed after a program. He’d picked it up and handed it to me—white and fluffy with a big red bow. I buried my face in it, and remembered how we’d drafted a contract for joint custody. Brennan thought us insane, and had offered to get another bear, but Asher had been insistent.
Getting to my feet, I used the cuff of my sleeve to wipe my eyes, holding the bear close. I wasn’t sure if there was anything else in this room I wanted. Maybe one day when things weren’t so…much, I’d go through it again.
I went downstairs. The sun had set, and the lights were on. The Lelands still had most of their holiday decorations up—Mrs. Leland was never one to put them away early, always saying the house was so depressing once everything was back to normal.
The second to last step creaked, and she looked up from where she was talking to my mom. Her eyes softened at the bear in my arms. I sucked in a deep breath.
He’s dead.
And for once, that recognition didn’t hurt as much.
“Jon and I—we have no plans to do anything with his room yet,” her voice wavered. “So if you ever want to come over, or if?—”
I squeezed her hand, grateful.
The idea of touching more of his things—it didn’t appeal to me right now. I had what I wanted, and if a day came and something changed, I’d let them know. And for the first time in a month, I found myself not wanting to entirely disappear into the darkness.
A day later,I was at the rink.
I pulled my sleeves down over my hands and focused on watching the little kids skate around. Brennan was sitting a few rows down and to my right I wasn’t sure if he knew I was here. I didn’t think anyone knew I was here. I’d sat up high in the stands, hood up, not wanting to be noticed.
His daughter—seven-year-old Madison was a force on the ice, skating circles around everyone. It made sense with who her father was and I knew she wanted to figure skate, but with her force and power, it kind of made me wonder what she would be like on a hockey team. I knew the local team was enamored with her — they were often on the rink after us, and she liked to hang around and show off. Brennan was going to have his hands full when she got older.
She skated up to the wall close to where he was sitting.
“Is she gonna be here soon?”
He looked at his watch and nodded.
I slouched lower in my seat and tugged my hood a little lower. It was weird being back here. The rink looked no different. It had been over a year and almost two seasons…but I thought that maybe it would feel different—like the echo of Asher’s death would still be felt.
But instead it just felt like the typical cold associated with ice rinks. I’d thought about joining the kids on the ice—the urge to skate had been reawakened in me. I didn’t want to compete anymore, but I did want to feel the rush I felt that day Lukas got me on the ice for the first time in years. But then I got scared that it wasn’t actually the skating that had made it feel so good, but him and I’d convinced myself not to do it.
I saw Louis first. He strode in with his bag slung over his shoulder.
