I wiped at a rogue tear that slipped down my cheek.
“It’s okay to cry and to mourn what you lost, but to let it rule your future. I know you feel like you’re not okay, that you need to fix yourself before you can jump into something with Lukas. But by the way you talk about it, about the way you talk about your feelings and the relationship between you, I think you’d already figured it out.”
“New can be scary, but based on what you’ve told me, he’s all in. You’re scared of letting all your walls down, letting him in because the last time you did that, you got hurt.”
“So, I hold myself back?”
“Yes. And it’s understandable. And it sounds like Lukas understood that. He was willing to be there for you.”
“But being there for me was impacting his own career. The last thing I’d want is for him to grow to resent me. If I’m still such a mess?—”
“Aimee, you’re not a mess. You’re a person who had something traumatic happen to them. You’re learning how to cope with it all, and if you’re hoping to start something with Lukas, you can’t be the one making all the decisions. You have to give him a chance to be there, to manage his own boundaries. If you throw up all your walls and only give him so much of you…”
I tuned out, knowing full well she was right. That as much as I didn’t want things to end between us, I was scared. I was scared of being hurt again. I’d shut down whatever was building between us to protect myself and told both of us it was for the best. Maybe Lukas did have his own reservations, but I’d never given him the chance to explain them, to talk about them. I’d never talked about mine. I’d just break down and he’d be there, comforting, checking in, gently forcing me out of my comfort zone.
“Did I fuck everything up?” Tears slipped quietly down my cheeks now.
“I think…I think that if everything you’ve told me, and all the feelings are how you described them, then I think anything is salvageable.”
I wiped my eyes and nodded.
“You’re not at fault. What happened to Asher is not on your hands. You both knew the risk—of the sport and the moves you were competing with. He made sure that your safety was paramount, which I know is a job he took seriously as your partner. Heads are fragile and ice is hard and I’m sure the odds of that happening are a million to one—I’ll have to get back to you on actual numbers.”
A sad laugh came out of my mouth, and I wiped more tears off my face.
“You could say that if you didn’t do the lift, things would be different. And yes, maybe, but there are no guarantees. Dream Asher isn’t…wasn’t real life Asher. And for whatever he hid from you, you know you knew him. He was your partner and friend first. You shared a bond before you ever got together romantically,” She paused, looking at me in a very pointed way as if to say, are you listening to me?
“If you see Lukas in your future, have that conversation with him. Talk to him. Tell him everything you’ve told me. And if you think that things are moving too fast, slow them down. Build that connection and friendship. Hot, heavy and fast are good for when you want to find reasons, but they’re not the only benchmarks for a relationship. And if he is as caring as you say, I don’t think he could ever regret you. Have a conversation, set boundaries and abide by them.”
“You know, where you were when we first started having these chats to now…you never would have been this open. This—vulnerable with your feelings and emotions. You definitely wouldn’t have confided in me, and you wouldn’t have reached out first.” she said, giving me a small, soft smile.
Hourslater I was still lost in my thoughts, I looked at Eloise, and shook my head. She was looking at me a little concerned, “Do you want to go get hot chocolate?”
I gave her a sheepish smile. “Sorry, got lost in my head for a moment. I think hot chocolate and a walk would be perfect.”
There was a little maintained trail around the property. It was cloudy and the smell of snow was in the air. Eloise linked her arm with mine and the gravel and salt crunched under our boots.
“I know I’ve been a really shitty friend the last year and a half,” I said.
“Aimee, you know I’ve never thought that.”
“I know. But I have been, and I don’t think I’ve ever apologized.”
Our boots crunched over the rock salt littered over the ground. Birds chirped at each other in the trees high overhead. The squeals of distant laughter filtered through the air, and it smelled like the coming snow, woodsmoke and pine. The sun was trying to break through the clouds, casting intermittent sunny patches on the ground.
“I’m sorry.”
Eloise stopped walking, and I halted when she whirled to face me.
“I’ve never once been mad at you. You checking out was survival, and I understand that. Do I wish we could have mourned together? Yes, because he was my friend, too. I know you lost more than him that day, and I wanted to be there for you. So, you really don’t have to apologize. I love you no matter what.”
I blinked back tears and threw my arms around her, careful of both our hot chocolates.
“I love you so much,” I mumbled into her shoulder.
“And I love you. But if we want to talk about things I am mad at you for, we can.”
I pull back and frown at her, furrowing my brows.
