My face feels so hot. “If that’s how you felt, why didn’t youeverjust say that? Why do you act like everything’s vaguely fine all the fucking time when you’re actually resentful?”
“Don’t swear at me.” She jabs her index finger in my direction. “I never said I was resentful.” She takes a deep breath. “Why didn’t you tell me about Nick?”
“I was probably afraid of whatever you’re about to say next.” I take a few steps back and sit on the daybed. “And you’ve been so busy trying to set him up with everyone else’s daughters.”
“All those other women’s daughters are in their thirties. They have kids. They want kids. They want to settle downherewith a stable, responsible man.” She follows me into the room. “He has a daughter, Sam. That means he’s tied to her mother for the next ten years. He can’t make any decisions about where to live or pursue other job opportunities without her agreement. His kid will come first. Always.”
“Yes, kids come first. That’s how it’s supposed to be! He’s responsible and committed, and isn’t that the kind of person you’ve wanted me to be with?”
“What about finding someone who’s committed toyou? What about all your own plans? What about your life?”
“Whataboutmy life?” I shout at her. “I’ve been dead inside for the last five years sitting in that office. Do you want me to be whatever the modern version of a spinster is? When finally I’ve found someone who makes me feel so…incredibly…something? I feel something.”
“I’m speaking from experience here. It’s not enough.” She pauses, taking a deep breath. “Do you understand that he’s never going to have any firsts with you? Every big life step for you will be his second time around. You’re never going to be the most important person in his life.”
We stare at each other. In the other room, the dishwasher quietly hums like everything is normal.
“It’s funny you say that. Because I feel like I just found my life. I want to go places again instead of hide under a blanket. I can be honest with him about things I’m afraid of. And he listens to me. And he thinks I’m funny and smart and I feel safe and cared for every second that I’m around him. I don’t have toquestion all our interactions over and over again in my head because he’s just this ridiculously genuine person.”
Mom looks teary-eyed. And maybe I’ve broken through a little bit. She lifts her arms and steps to the daybed, leaning and folding me in a firm hug.
“You’re young.” The hug turns too tight. Tense and stiff. “You have no responsibilities. Don’t trade that for someone who has no freedom.” I roll my shoulder and lean away from her. “I like Nick. He seems like a good guy. But divorced guys with kids? There’s a reason they want a young, single woman with no kids of her own. It’s easier for them. It’s more fun. They want to plug a young woman into the life they already have. His life gets better and yours gets exponentially more difficult. The stepparent makes all the sacrifices.”
“No one’s asking me to be a stepparent! We’re just dating,” I exclaim, as if I hadn’t spiraled about this exact thing.
“There’s no such thing as ‘just dating’ when his daughter is already part of the equation. What happens next year, if you move to another state for grad school? What happens with that job that Barbara has for you? Have you talked about that?”
We have not talked about it. I haven’t even made up my mind about whether I want to take a temporary office job a thousand miles away just to have something art-adjacent on myCV.
“We could do long distance or maybe I’d decide to do something else with my life. I can’t predict the future. I just know how I feel right now.”
“How are you going to feel on Thanksgiving or Christmas, when he’s spending time with his ex-wife’s family and you’re all by yourself?”
“You’re being ridiculous!”
“How are you going to feel when every vacation you take caters to a ten-year-old?”
“You’re inventing future problems, Mom.”
“Listen to me. You need to think about future problems when you’re in a relationship with a father. Feelings are temporary. You can’t make important long-term choices because of how you feel in this moment. This isyourlife, Sam. Why don’t you get to be the top priority? I was so proud when you moved away for college and grad school. You had all these dreams for yourself. I want you to find an ounce of the ambition you used to have. Ever since you’ve been living here, you’ve been…regressing. Your dad’s stuff takes up more space in here than you do. I thought when we decided to move abroad, that would be some kind of catalyst for you. Create a sense of urgency. I want you towantto move out, Sam. Don’t you get that?”
“Maybe I changed. Maybe I have different priorities now.”
“So instead of your father being the priority, it was Hal, and now it’s our neighbor and his kid?”
“That’s not what I’m talking about!”
“Do you still want to get a PhD?”
“I guess,” I say. Because right now it’s all I have.
“Well, are you still going to follow up with Barbara about the job?” Her voice is tentative, like she can sense my wobbly sense of resolve.
“She sent me a meeting invite,” I reply. “I’m supposed to talk to the department chair.”
Mom looks relieved. “Okay, so that’s good! It’s a great opportunity. An entry-level job in your field?”
“It’s not exactly ‘my field,’ ” I say carefully. I don’t know how to express my doubts without making a bigger mess. “It’s temporary admin work for an art education program.”
