After Nick takesher home, I decide that I need more room to angrily pace than my mom’s apartment allows.
I’ve only done a few laps down the breezeway when Nick opens his door and followsme.
“Hey, don’t leave.” He starts jogging to catchup.
“I made a little kid cry, Nick. I can’t even babysit.”
“She’s okay. She’s sitting on the couch with her tablet.”
“Oh.” I’m a little annoyed at how quickly Kira’s gotten over it when I’m still throwing a fit. “Well,I’mnot okay. And you could’ve backed me up.”
“I’m sorry, Sam. But kids break things. They ruin things. And they’re not very good at taking responsibility, especially when adults are yelling at—”
“I was yelling because she wasn’t actually apologizing!”
“Come on,” he says, leading me farther down the hall. He opens the door to the closet with the trash chute and motions for me to enter.
It smells like rotting food, and when he closes the door behind me, I feel even more trapped here.
“I don’t want to do this,” I say, trying not to breathe through my nose while borderline hyperventilating.
“You don’t want to do what? Talk to me.”
It bursts out of me: “I’m not ready to be a stepmom.”
“Whoa.” Nick’s concerned look turns to confusion. “I’m not asking you to be a stepmom. I’veneverasked you that. I’m not even legally divorced yet.”
I look at him. “Wait, what?”
“We’ve been separated for a couple years, but we haven’t gotten around to filing yet. I wasn’t trying to hide it, I just…honestly, I don’t really think about it and I also wish I hadn’t said any of this in a trash room.”
“Okay,” I say, wanting to take a deep breath, but also very muchnotwanting to inhale garbage fumes. “We’re coming back to that later.”
“Stepmom is so many miles down the road.”
“Yes, but it’s the reality of your life. Sooner or later, that’s the endgame. And I traumatized your child.”
“She’s not traumatized! Honestly, I fucking hate that baby talk voice, too,” he says. “But you were a little scary. I mean, I’ll pay you whatever the comic was worth—”
“Forget about the comic.” I let out an exasperated sigh. “In a normal situation, I wouldn’t have evenmetKira yet. I’ve researched it. Or, Romily researched it. Because this can go really wrong. It’s confusing for kids. We might’ve already made this more difficult for her because of all those questions. She’s probably making up stories in her head now.”
“Then it’s time for me to sit down with her and talk about it as openly as I can.”
“But you haven’t done that! Listen to me.” I grab his arms. “You’re a relationship guy. You’re, like, a serious Wife Guy.”
“Don’t be condescending.”
“I’m not. I’m saying you’re a good person. You’re the bestperson. And you deserve so much. You should have someone to hold you at night and give you massages because your back hurts. And you should definitely be fingering someone regularly becauseoh my God.”
“I want those things! Why do you think I’m arguing with an extremely agitated woman in a trash closet?”
“You need a grown-up,” I say. “With a real life and adult responsibilities—”
“You’re an adult, Sam.”
“—and her own place to live, who you know willbe herein six months.That’sthe person who should be meeting your daughter.”
“I don’t want those things with someone else. I want them with you.” He tucks an unruly lock of hair behind my ear. Exactly the sort of gesture that forces me to blink back my own tears. “I don’t know what that looks like. But I’ll take whatever you’ll give me.”
