Romily turns her computer around.
“Another PowerPoint? For me?”
“First, stop reading the listicles,” Romily says. “The juicy stuff is in the forums, the people who are on the ground.” She advances to a slide with a giant screenshot. “This forum is for stepparents to vent about their stepkids and ‘high-conflict bio moms,’ or HCBMs. But then there’sthisforum”—she shows another screenshot—“for mothers to vent about the stepparents. This would make a fascinating study.”
I scan the post titles: “Have I Put Myself in a Stupid Situation?” “Alone, Angry, and Venting,” “HCBM Flaked Again.”
“The people on here all have the same grievances,” I say. “Every post is the same.”
“Exactly. That should tell you something.”
“Like?”
“A glimpse into your future,” she says, advancing to a slide with a stock photo of a woman with her head in her hands.“You, banging out a poorly punctuated rant about an HCBM at 2a.m.because you’re not the center of this man’s world anymore.”
“Didn’t you use that same photo on the other presentation?”
“High-conflict bio mom,” Romily says, “is the default villain of every stepmother: a woman who supported a man through law school, gave birth, got cheated on, and has to fight for a fair child support payment.”
“I’m sure Kira’s mom isn’t high conflict. They get along really well.”
“Sure they do,” Romily says. “Because Kira’s mom doesn’t know you exist yet.”
I’m not sure sheshouldknow I exist. I have no idea what these timelines are supposed tobe.
I point at her screen. “These stories don’t apply to me,” I say.
Yet, as Romily clicks through different forum posts, I keep reading story after story of young women falling in love with “responsible” men only to feel trapped later.
I point at a post titled “Why Are So Many Stepmoms on Here Younger Than Their Husbands and Childless?” “Click on this one.”
The top answer is “I Was Manipulated by an Older Man.”
“A lot of these stepmothers don’t have children of their own,” Romily says. “They’re living very happy, fulfilling lives, they meet an older man with kids, and two years later they report feeling like ‘stuck outsiders’ because of the ‘biological force field’ between parent and child.”
“I’m not a stepparent!”
She points at more answers on her screen: “If You’re Childless It’s Not Worth It”; “Childless Stepmother Depression”; “Is It Ever Worth It?: Childless Dating 10-Years-Older Man.”
“Didn’t you tell me to find a partner with the same sapiosexual—”
“A compatible sociosexual orientation,” she says. “I’m not suggesting that you break it off. But a relationship with a parent introduces another axis of complication. There’s never going to be just two people in your relationship. And the longer you’re in it, the more damage you’ll do if you have to end it.”
“Rom, if you’re basing this on people who are venting on a message board for other disgruntled stepparents, of course you’re going to get this impression.”
“I figured you’d say that. Do you want to hear the statistics?”
“No.”
She advances the slide to show a chart. “The greatest predictor of divorce is the presence of children from a previous marriage. The divorce rate for first marriages? Fifty percent. For second marriages? Sixty-six percent.”
“That actually sounds pretty logical,” I say.
“Fewer than twenty percent of young adult stepchildren report ‘feeling close’ to their stepmothers. Stepparenting is linked to increased depressive symptoms. And studies have shown that stepmothers experience higher stress levels than stepdads.”
“This is not helping the stress levels,” I say. “What’s the conclusion here?”
“This isn’t personal. These are facts. And I’m suggesting that you talk through these issues because theywillcome up. It’s a statistical certainty.”
