“Did you ever date someone with kids?” I ask. “I mean, before my mom. Someone who had, like, actual children?”
“Briefly. Not to sound like I’m blaming innocent children, but that’s why I ended it. I was already pretty sure that I would be child-free. I’ve felt that way for my whole life I think? But I really liked this woman and I thought, ‘Hey, maybe I just haven’t experienced the wonder of spending time with small children.’ ”
“But it wasn’t…wonderous?”
“The thing is—and I say this as delicately as I can—parents find theirownkids cute. They raised them. When it’s not your kid?” They raise their eyebrows.
“Not cute?”
“I felt aggravated by them. The bad behavior, the attention seeking, the lying. One of them would get jealous and possessive over her mom anytime I came over. I felt like a monster because I was constantly in this position of feeling angry and frustrated with little children.”
Do parents find other people’s kids more tolerable? If Shawna and Nick hit it off, would he remain calm when Shawna’s Chili’s-loving son throws a tantrum when his screen time is over? Would Shawna know the right way to answer Kira’s questions about periods and virginity without accidentally introducing the concept of furries?
“Now, I loved this woman,” Perry continues. “When her kids were at her ex’s place, it was amazing. But it didn’t feel like the kids and I were ever going to mesh. And that’s not fair toanyone. So I ended it and decided that kids would have to be a hard limit from then on.”
“What about my mom? Did she originally tell you I was her niece or something?”
Perry chuckles. “No. I figured an adult kid would be a pretty different experience.”
I take a few more bites of ice cream and decide that Perry and I have reached a level of closeness where I can be a little more open.
“I’m sorry about the bad behavior the other night,” I say. “I felt a lot like a teenager, to be honest.”
“We all have our moments,” Perry says. “We sprung something on you. And I had finished your cereal, so there was probably a blood sugar issue.”
I pop the point of the sugar cone into my mouth. “So as long as we have sugary food at the ready, we’ll be fine.”
Hal still isn’tback at Lokahi. Even though my paranoia over his whereabouts reaches new illogical heights (Did he and Leen elope in Reno? Will they return to Brooklyn as some literary It Couple?), I keep him blocked. It’s the nicest thing I’ve done for myself in ages. And all this time, I thought self-care was about expensive moisturizers!
I usually hate working shifts without Hal around, but tonight I’m so busy that I don’t feel his absence. I don’t even feel the coconut bra digging into my ribs. I put actual finesse into the drinks, too. Dare I say, my banana dolphins look livelier? Thelemon peel pirate ships are floating nicely on the scorpion bowls. I set about thirty mai tais on fire before I start closing tasks.
As I’m burning the ice, I hear a voice on the other side of the bar. “Excuse me, miss. I’m going to need to see someidentification. Maybe a state-issued ID of some kind. A temporary learner’s permit.”
“Hey.” I wipe my hands on a bar towel. “I thought you’d be waiting outside.”
“No, I was hoping to run into your coworker again.” He opens his hoodie to reveal a Nickelback Dark Horse Tour shirt.
“Wow, I have so many questions,” I say. “I’m almost done here. Can I get you a club soda with a grass skirt lime wedge?”
“That’s the other reason I came inside.”
He watches me cut the lime in half and carve out the pulp. “So how did it go?”
“I got a little tripped up on some of the rules around child safety, but I passed.”
“Do I want to know what you got wrong about child safety?”
I use the kitchen shears to make diagonal cuts around the skirt. “I didn’t know that kids under thirteen are supposed to sit in the back seat. I mean, little kids? I get it. But does Kira really sit in the back seat every time?”
Nick looks bemused and slightly alarmed. “Yes?”
This is obviously a question that Shawna wouldn’t have missed.
“Don’t you feel like a chauffeur?” I hand him the adorable little drink with the lime skirt perched along the edge of the highball glass.
“Yes, but it helps that the client is cute.” He takes a sip of the club soda. “This is an excellent lime wedge.”
Perry’s words rattle around my head.Parents find their own kids cute.
