And yet, my ear is practically suctioned to the wall in an effort to hear his response.
“I’m really just focusing on Kira and getting the new place set up,” he says.
“In that case, I’d love to introduce you to a friend of mine.”
“Oh, well—”
“She’s a single parent, too,” Mom says. “And she’ll also be at the wedding, so it might be nice to get to know each other beforehand.”
Within twenty seconds, she manages to convey that her name is Shawna, she went to Ohio Wesleyan, she’s “so pretty,” and is “getting back out there.”
I’m dying to observe the body language here. I’m not sure how anyone could respond to this hard sell aside from a conciliatory but noncommittal nod.
“I think you two would really hit it off,” Mom says. “It’s so funny, the other day she told me that herson just loves Chili’s. He was thinking of having his birthday party there! And I thought to myself, that can’t be a coincidence.”
It’s not a coincidence because I’m pretty sure my mom just inventedit.
“I’m sure she’s great,” Nick says.
Mom must take this as an enthusiasticyes!because she immediately moves to close the deal. “Can I tell her to send you a friend request? You’re on Facebook, right?”
I swear I hear a moment of hesitation before he says, “Sure.”
After another minute of conversation about how slow the building’s maintenance staff responds to requests, I hear Nick say his goodbyes.
I return to the warm cocoon of my bed, not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed that Nick hadn’t shut down my mom’s efforts to pair him off with Shawna.
Putting aside my lack of faith in my mom’s matchmaking abilities, what reason does he have not to have an awkward get-to-know-you conversation with Shawna on Facebook Messenger? He has a stressful, time-consuming job, responsibility for a kid, little evidence of a social life with adults he’s not managing. He probablydoesneed someone to give him a little push.
And who am I to assume that Shawna wouldn’t be a good fit for Nick? Just because she’s going through a nightmare divorce and has a lot of credit card debt? I’m an underemployed bartender about to be evicted by her own mother, for fuck’s sake.
“I think Ineed you to do the PowerPoint again,” I tell Romily after I’ve taken enough Advil that I’m able to walk Houdini over to her place, which is technically my uncle’s basement.
And yes, while she must endure the occasional joke about “living in your parents’ basement,” Rom has a private entrance, a minifridge, and an entire set of stairs separating her from her parents. If failed-to-launch kids had a hierarchy, Romily would be just one step below “living in my parents’ pool house.”
“Traditionally, researchers consider sociosexuality as a unidimensional framework,” she says after I spend what feels like an hour monologuing about the way Hal ditched me last night. “There’s a spectrum: unrestricted to fully restricted.”
“Either you need to translate or I’ll need more Advil.”
“You’re a visual learner. I’ll draw it out.”
Houdini snores on one of Romily’s blankets.
Romily grabs a notebook from her desk, flips it to a blank page, and draws a horizontal line.
“This is the casual continuum,” she says. “On the left side: no commitment at all. On the right—”
“Headed for an overly elaborate engagement involving a scavenger hunt?”
“Yes. Everything between these two poles is degrees of commitment when you’re not ‘officially’ in a defined relationship. So, all the way on the left is probably ‘one-night stand,’ then ‘fuck buddies,’ ‘hanging out in private,’ then ‘hanging out inpublic,’ ‘de facto date,’ and finally ‘situationship.’ ”
“Okay.” I scratch my head. “Well, Hal and I are over on the right, I guess. We hang out in public. He’s my de facto date to weddings.”
“Correct. So the fact that you perceive yourself to be ‘just a step’ from a defined relationship is what’s creating the cognitivedissonance.” She points again at the right side of the continuum. “It’s not a step-by-step process, where you defeat the final situationship boss. If anything, being stuck in this zone is more likely to trigger a ghosting.”
“This is beginning to feel like an online seminar given by a man who greatly admires Joe Rogan.”
“No, this is important for you to understand. This continuum is not a progress chart. If either one of you wants a defined relationship, you can do that from any one of these points.” She gestures along the horizontal line. “But the irony is that when you’re closer to the commitment pole, there’s almost no incentive to redefine the relationship. You’re likely to get trapped here until one of you meets a new partner who more closely shares your sociosexual orientation.”
