I can’t help trying to place Hal and me somewhere near the “successful evolution” box.
“For individuals looking to transition their FWB arrangement into a committed romantic relationship, the upper right quadrant is the sweet spot. Butonlyif the feelings are mutual. When the desire is one-sided”—she advances the slide, adding a giant black circle to the upper left quadrant labeled with thewordLovelorn—“any attempt to convert the FWB to a romance is doomed to fail.”
Romily pauses and gives me a pointed look.
“Is there actually a party tonight?” I ask. “Or did you whip up this diagram for my benefit?”
“There is a party. And this is useful information for you. Both things can be true.”
My relationship with Hal doesn’t look good on paper. And Romily prefers to focus on the “on paper” part of life.
“Lovelornisn’t a scientific term, you know.”
“Let’s discuss the factors that lead to a successful transition into romance,” she says, briskly moving the presentation along. “Participants in the study were asked about their relational maintenance behaviors, or ‘RMBs.’ What are the things they do or share to keep relationships close? Now here’s where things get exciting.”
“Is the exciting part where you explain what a mutual sexual fail-safe is?”
She pulls up a slide with a long table of rows, columns, and numbers I can’t make senseof.
“Do you know what the most critical RMB is for individuals who want to evolve an FWB relationship into a romantic one?”
“I can’t remember what RMB stands for,” I say.
“Self-disclosure is the most critical behavior,” she says. “Partners who engage in self-disclosure tend to have higher rates of successful romantic transition.” She waits for a reaction from me. “It means opening up about yourself.”
“That’syour big conclusion?” I point at the screen. “Thatrequired ten different citations?”
“It’s not my conclusion. It’s literally science,” she says. “But here’s the problem: we must consider both individuals’ perception of the current state and potential future state of the relationship.” She shows the quadrant graph again. “Two people in thesame relationship can interpret its position on this graph very differently. And their feelings may shift over time. The greater the difference between the two individuals’ perceptions of their relationship, the more likely it is to fail.”
“That’s so many words to say ‘unrequited.’ ”
I force myself not to think about where Hal would place us on this matrix. I picture the two of us with our hands over the diagram like a Ouija board, moving a planchette slowly from quadrant to quadrant, both of us subtly pushing and pulling it to validate our own truths.
“When one person perceives romanticpotentialand is therefore willing to ‘wait out’ the partner, it’s called ‘relational compromise.’ It never works.” She clicks forward to another stock photo of an anguished woman.
“Relationships are mostly compromising,” I point out. “It’s not inherently negative to compromise.”
“The audience isn’t supposed to argue with the presenter,” Romily says. “I’m simply synthesizing the results of this study.”
“Okay, but no one wants to have the ‘What are we?’ conversation,” I say. “Even if you both want the same thing, it’s, like, the most awkward thing you can do with another person.”
“I’m glad you point that out.” She advances to the next slide, titled “Why We Don’t Self-Disclose,” which features a photo of a woman plaintively looking out a window. “It’s not because of awkwardness,” she says. “People avoid self-disclosure because they believe it could negatively impact their self-image and current relationship status. It’s self-preservation.”
“No,” I say. “It’s human nature. We can’t just go around divulging our most vulnerable feelings at all times. I think romance requires a little bit of mystery. You hold some things back and the other person discovers them.”
“No,” she says, shaking her head. “The longer the unilateralromantic feelings continue, the more distressing it is to end the relationship. That’s why self-disclosure is critical. Identifying a mismatch in perception at an early stage will save the extended pain of relational compromise and allow the individual to find a compatible match.”
Romily advances to the final slide, which features a stock photo of two people holding hands, backlit by a dramatic sunset.
“I welcome feedback,” she adds.
“The diagrams were helpful,” I say, knowing that, going forward, I’ll probably be unable to have a conversation with a man without identifying our quadrant. “There are a lot of photos of women in distress.”
“The idea is to make the visuals directly relevant to the audience.” She tilts her head. “Did you find it relevant?”
“Yes. And extremely subtle.” I stand up from the couch. “Now grab the trash.”
“Friends with benefitsdoesn’t mean there’s a menu of benefits for you to select from.” Romily carries the bulging garbage bag down the breezeway to the communal trash room while I trail a step behind, tackling the pile of neatly broken-down cardboard boxes (courtesy of Perry, who does that sort of thing without being asked).
