The girls remind me so much of me and Val. I feel like I’m watching a video of what could have been. How would our lives have been different? How would they be differentnow? It’s taken me a long time to get rid of the it’s-not-fair mentality I carried around for years. The fact is, our childhood wasn’t fair, but there’s no reason for me to keep dragging that around.
Alex leans over and speaks softly. “Thinking about your mum?”
I take my eyes from the little family before us. “How did you know?”
“Because I was.” He squeezes my hand.
“The oldest one even has curly hair,” I say, unsure how to handle my emotions as I stand by a carousel, its cheery music an odd backdrop for emotions I usually keep in check.
“I wish I could travel back in time and take you both so you could be in my family.”
I give a weak smile at the mention of time travel. “I’d be kinda like a sister in that scenario.”
“It wouldn’t be an easy sacrifice, but I’d do it.” He wipes at a tear that has just escaped my eye. “You know, you’ve turned your life into something far beyond what you were set up to do. You’re successful in doing something you love, you’re kind and thoughtful. I imagine one day, if you have children, you’llbe everything your mum wasn’t. You’re incredible for having overcome—”
“But I’m not sure that I have. I have so many issues, most of them centering around the fact that I can’t trust people. And sometimes I think I work so hard because I want to rub my success in my mother’s face. I want to say, ‘Look what I did, no thanks to you.’ That’s not healthy.”
“You could already do that if you really wanted to, and you haven’t. You don’t need to strive for anything you don’t truly want.”
“I know that. At least I think I do. It’s just hard not to want to punish her in some way.”
“Your mum has missed out on you and Val, and her grandchildren. I’m sure no matter what she does to fill it, her life is empty.”
Alex puts an arm around my shoulders and leads me further down the pier. We’re looking out at the water from the end of the pier, my head on Alex’s shoulder because, why not? I feel his phone vibrate against my hip. He ignores it, but I can’t.
“It might be another riddle.”
He gives me a funny look.
“I felt it,” I inform him.
“Ah. Alright, let’s check.” He lets go of my shoulders, and as much as I hate to admit it, my mood instantly drops. It’s not that I was suddenly depressed, but there was a noticeabledifference. Good grief.
“You were right.” Alex holds out the phone so I can see.
Once a farm
Also a prison
Now the gardens
You cannot miss ’um
“That one’s bad,” I say.
Alex nods his head in agreement. “This is going to take some Googling,” Alex says. “Unless you happen to know.”
I give him a look that says, “Yeah, right.”
We find a bench and search, until we decide the answer might be Sissinghurst Castle Gardens, which is an hour and a half from where we are.
My gaze is to the ocean. “We could go in the morning.” I turn my eyes to Alex. “It would have to be my last stop.”
“I could take you back tonight if that’s better for you.” He says the words like he means them. Like he wants to do what’s best for me and my trip, but there’s a sadness behind his eyes that I don’t miss.
I put my hand on his knee. “Let’s find something fun to do tonight.”
We leave the pier and end up at The Lanes, which are narrow alleyways lined with shops, restaurants, and pubs. And, once again, we find ourselves standing outside a jewelry store.
