Without me and the Shopocalypse, no one would have known the power of the transitive followers code I wrote that magnified the influence of shopping habits among friends that go viral over social media.
I key in her phone number and try to remember what she did with the buyout money. It’s been so long, and hopefully, she’s so busy with her new startup and her baby girl that she’ll give me another chance.
“Who’s this?” her voice comes across suspicious and subdued.
“Brittney, it’s me, your cousin Sammie. Please, don’t hang up. I’m completely rehabilitated and was released from prison today.” I speak as fast as the guy giving the disclaimer at the end of a prescription drug commercial.
“I’m happy for you,” she says, her tone still guarded. “Guess your mother will be happy to see you.”
“Maybe, but you know she doesn’t celebrate Christmas, and I don’t want her to put me to work at her restaurant. Your folks own a Christmas tree farm, and I’m wondering if I can help out there—you know, dress as an elf and sell trees or maybe fix up your inventory system or secure your website.”
“I’m not going to be in California this Christmas. Still waiting to see what’s going on with Ben and his family. Ben’s team is playing on Christmas Day, and there’s some sort of family emergency.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”
Brittney’s husband, Ben Powers, is a professional football player. It occurs to me that Ben has the same last name as Braden, but as I recall, his brothers’ names are Nash and Damon, not Braden.
Nash used to date Brittney, although she denied it and said they were only friends.
“Anyway, what I’m saying is I’m glad you called and that you’re free, and I’d like to get together with you some time, but our Christmas is up in the air. Maybe you should call Lacy and Brandon.”
“I don’t have her number.” I scramble on the nightstand for a pen and pad as she gives it to me. “By the way, what’s the name of the company you guys started?”
“Oh, you mean HookLinkSinker?” She sighs and I can hear a child shrieking in the background. “We sold it to TrophyShots.”
“You sold it to Mitch Slack? Why?”
“Somehow, they had all our code, including your superfast friend association linker. I don’t know how they got it because you were already in jail, unless you left a back door for them.”
“I swear, I didn’t do anything.” I clench my fist. “This pisses me off. They stole my code. I wish I’d put a trap condition in there.”
“Sammie, it’s a long time ago,” Brittney says in between saying, “Mommy’s on the phone. Wait a minute, okay, okay… I really have to go. Merry Christmas and all that, but I have to pack and Ben’s out of town. Collie, just a second, baby…”
“Sure, Merry Christmas, cousin. I’m sorry about your company.”
“Eh, I love being a mommy. Hope you have a Happy New Year, and say hi to your mom for us.” She hangs up and cuts off my “Happ—”
Whoosh!
That went so not well.
I face myself in the mirror and scowl. I look like a mess. My makeup is expired. My clothes are out of style and dumpy.
Maybe Racy Lacy, my sexy flirty cousin will take me shopping. Brittney’s always been a sour-faced nerd, but Lacy is the talk of the town, and she’s married to that dishy billionaire, Brandon Cole.
I key in her number, but all I get is a chirpy voicemail. “Hiya! Racy Lacy is racing around town, gathering kisses and cheer and a bucket of coal. Meet me at the North Pole at Reed Christmas Tree Farm, and I’ll have a ho, ho, ho hot surprise for you.”
She’s too busy for me, her dowdy, last year’s Kmart shopper cousin. I hang up without leaving a message and turn on the television.
Every show is boring, so I hop in the shower, then go through my limited supply of clothing. Obviously, I don’t have a nightgown. It’s not exactly the type of stuff you bring to prison. Besides the two pieces of rags I wore today, my traveling clothes, I have a pair of cut-off shorts and a slutty tube top, sure to give Braden the wrong idea.
By the time I’ve helped myself to a few more happy spirits from the minibar, I don’t much care what idea Braden gets.
I’m lonely, rejected, and it’s my first night out of the can.
I wonder what Braden’s doing, and if he’s regretting his lies, breaking Mitch’s arm, and telling his family he’s one of the good guys.
Who exactly are his clients? Rich, famous, or criminal kingpins?
