Chapter 21
It’s the nightbefore New Year’s Eve, and I’m going to clear my decks. I spent the rest of the day with Sylvester and Alice, going door to door and gathering items I’ll need to expose the dirty, rotten spy.
Do I really want to do this?
Or should I let sleeping dogs lie?
But sleeping with lying dogs means I’ll get fleas, too.
“Are you sure you want to go through with this?” Sylvester asks. “It could be dangerous if they’re on board and listening in.”
I hold my hand out on in a stop position. “We agreed we have to unmask the perp. It’ll be okay. Neither one would hurt me. I’m positive.”
“Sure, but at least let me help you locate Jordan,” he persists. “We don’t want him sneaking up on you.”
“Actually, I wouldn’t mind if he does pop in on me.” I swipe my access pass against the door to my cabin.
“It’s safer if you have an early warning,” Alice says.
“Okay, if you can set it up.”
“Fight fire with fire.” Sylvester peels the back off my phone and inserts the SIM card. He powers up the phone and taps into an app he installed.
Alice puts her finger to her mouth to warn me not to say anything else about spies. We spend the next half hour setting up the electronics and booby traps, but talking about mundane things like the New Year’s Eve party and our plans to keep in touch after disembarking.
After they leave, it’s showtime.
Stretching and moaning, I say out loud, “Wow. It’s been a crazy day. I sure wouldn’t mind a long, hot, and steamy shower.”
I turn on the water as I talk to myself. “Year’s almost over, and I still can’t get laid. Sad. There’s not a single man on this cruise ship to sleep with. Guess I’ll just have to make do with me, myself, and my pink-headed toy.”
I unwrap the gun-shaped vibrator and turn it on. The battery is fully charged. It hums and buzzes in all its flashy glory. With a flick of the hammer, I turn on the space gun sound effects. Whoop, whoop, whoop, the siren goes up and down and around.
“Oh, I’m so-o horny.” I moan loud and long with my most luscious, erotic romance voice. “I want a real man so badly.”
The sounds of the shower can clearly be heard. “I’m so wet and slippery, oh, gosh, this feels so good. Oh, yes, slip right on in, long and slow.”
I increase the speed and tempo of the vibrator’s sound effects. “Harder. Harder. Faster. Don’t stop. Oh, my, gawwww!”
I hit a button and put the device in turbo-charge mode. It’s noisier than a battle star full of space aliens and light sabers. Slipping out of the bathroom, I roll onto my bunk to make the springs squeak.
“Ohhhh…, ahhhhh… I need a real man. Can’t hold on. Batteries, don’t die on me. Ahhh! Help. Need. Inside. Want. Sex!!! Take me. Someone, please help. I need a big, big, big, huge, enormous, ginormous, gargantuan thing-a-ma-jig between my legs. I’m coming, oh, I’m coming, so hard, going, going, gahhhh!!!”
I speed up the device to a screeching climax. I bounce on the bunk, making sure to kick my heels against the wall and thump the floor, as if I’m bucking underneath my vibrator. The sound effects go full-on intergalactic, shooting laser sounds at warp speed.
“Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh. I need more. More. I need a man. Where, oh, where can I get some cock? I. Need. Cock.”
All the while, I keep an eye on my phone screen where Sylvester has put the warning app.
The screen flashes yellow.
Someone approaches.
It goes to orange mode.
They’ve stopped at my door.
Red alert. Red alert. Red alert.
