I still can’t believe he spent the night with Alice, Sylvester, and my date, Sven, while I tossed and turned alone on my tiny bunk.
I must have fallen asleep, because truth to tell, I don’t remember if he came back to sleep or stayed next door.
It would be way too crowded, no matter what contortions they got into, but sometime during the night, the mysterious clattering of a million tiles stopped and I must have fallen into a deep and drugged sleep. Scratch that, there were no drugs strong enough to put me under after the trauma of imagining Jordan and the pussycats in a back-to-the-future foursome.
Which is why I can’t stand his whistling rendition of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
Angrily, because what other mood could I possibly be in when sleep deprived, I pound on the sliding door. “Shut the eff up. Some of us are trying to sleep.”
Jordan slides the door to the side and buzzzt!
A giant pink cock is pointed at me, vibrating at full speed.
“Help!” I squeak, discovering my vocal cords permanently stiff and stuck like a broken reed in a clarinet.
Jordan throws his head back and laughs. “Just put fresh batteries in it for you. I bet you used it to drown out our noises.”
“I did no such thing.” I swat at the giant plastic penis-shaped pistol. “Throw this piece of junk overboard. I’m sure it’s contaminated by whatever you were doing in that cabin with the two old fogeys and Sven.”
He buzzes the vibrator over and around my face while I scream and slap and run and jump around our much-too-tiny cabin chased by the gun’s shooting noises.
If this is Jade’s idea of giving me a good time, I’m jumping ship at the next port. Let’s see, today is day two at sea and we’re not reaching our first port of call until Christmas Day on the Big Island.
“You’re ticklish,” Jordan squeals as he pokes and prods me with the plastic genital.
“Uncle. Uncle.” I slap his hands and arms, rolling from side to side and unable to control my squeaks. My stomach and sides ache at the contracting of my abdominal muscles, and I gulp for air in between the chuckles that have me rolling all over my tiny room.
“I’ll play uncle if you agree to have dinner with me,” Jordan says. “We caused quite a scandal last night among the fortieth-year reunion group. They still think we’re newlyweds.”
I gasp for breath and cross my arms, protecting my soft underside. “I don’t care if they think we’re newlyDEADS. I’m not having dinner with you. I’m sure Dr. Lin and her kinky three or foursome will be glad to accommodate.”
He pats his bulging pocket and snickers.
Oh, no. It’s rubbing off on him.
I snicker back.
Then he snickers in my face.
I pinch my tongue against my teeth for a louder snicker.
He drags out his snick… kerrrr…
“Stop. Stop. I’m not having this conversation. If you slept with all of them at the same time, you’re one sick puppy.”
He whirls the pistol-shaped vibrator at me, and I cover my mouth with horror.
“No, you didn’t!”
He twirls it around and snickers.
“You did?” My eyes are ready to pop from my head. “You used that gundick on all of them? Ewwwww!!!”
He laughs and licks the tip.
“I’m going to barf!” I rush toward the head. “Did you disinfect it?”
“No, I used lube.” He wiggles the wet tip over my arm.
