“Sorry, we’re just regular people out for a regular night walk,” Riley said, trying to tow Jasmine and Josie backward.
“This guy been giving you problems?” Josie asked, crossing her arms and gluing her feet to the sidewalk.
“He’s a nightmare. When he first moved in, he drilled holes into the fence and aimed fireworks at my poor sweet dogs. He blasts Russian death metal from speakers at three a.m. He stole the Santiagos’ lawn mower a few weeks ago and used it to mow down the rose bushes Priscilla’s late husband had planted. He threw full cans of beer at the UPS lady, then threatened to sue her when she almost ran over him with her truck. And two weeks ago, he hit our security guard with a potato gun. The poor guy’s been off work with a concussion ever since.”
“How does he get away with all this?” Riley asked.
Jim shrugged. “I blame the parents. Plus, his mom’s first cousin is the chief of police. If one more person saysBoys will be boys, Princess is going to lose her damn mind. She’s already lost fifty percent of her fur due to stress. I’d do anything to get him out of this neighborhood.”
“Anything?” Josie asked.
Jim nodded. “Anything.” He turned to Riley. “Hey, you look familiar.”
She sighed. “I may have made the newsletter a few weeks ago.”
“Ohhhhh. Now I remember. I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”
“Let’s go have a talk, Jim,” Jasmine said.
* * *
One hour later,Riley had a full-blown headache and a mug of green tea in Jim’s living room. Princess and her sister, Highness, were settled on matching mini dog sofas next to personalized toy bins.
Jasmine and Josie were leading a briefing that was guaranteed to result in prison for everyone.
“We’ve got house access here, here, or here,” Jasmine said, pointing at the whiteboard they’d liberated from Jim’s basement gym. Now instead of a weekly powerlifting schedule, they were looking at a crudely drawn illustration of Lance’s house next door based on the old real estate listing photos. “Josie will act as the distraction by ringing the doorbell and pretending to be a lost pizza delivery driver.”
“Once I distract Lance, Jasmine will gain access to the house via the open garage door and take the stairs to the second floor,” Josie said, pointing at the next floor plan with a stick of beef jerky.
“I’ll plant a couple of the fake spiders on the way up, then leave the bulk of them in his bed and exit the way I came in,” Jasmine said.
“In the meantime, I’ll maintain surveillance from the perimeter and be ready to extract Jasmine if things start to go south,” Josie continued. “Riley, you’ve abstained from tonight’s festivities, so you can wait in the car.”
Riley raised her hand.
“Question?” Jasmine said, acknowledging her.
“Yeah, just one or seventeen. Um, how are we all not going to jail for breaking and entering? Don’t they have a security system? Why aren’t we calling the cops?”
“It’s not breaking and entering if the garage door is already open,” Jasmine insisted.
“Also, there is no security system because Lance’s parents don’t want any of his behavior recorded,” Jim chimed in from the kitchen as he sautéed ground turkey for dinner. Riley wasn’t sure if it was his dinner or the dogs’.
“And wearecalling the cops. Just not yet,” Josie said. “We just need to wait for Lance to start wrecking his room as soon as he finds his bed full of spiders. Then concerned neighbor Jim who just happens to be out for a walk with his dogs calls 911.”
“I’m pretty sure this is still highly illegal. And honestly, it doesn’t sound like a good plan at all. What if he doesn’t trash the house? What if he quietly stomps the spiders?” Riley argued.
“I’ve got this,” Jasmine said to Josie. “Riley. Ry-Ry. Rye Bread. You’re a good girl. A Goody-Two-shoes. Josie and I are the kind of girls who spent our teenage years crafting elaborate schemes to get away with all kinds of shit. You know I love you, but you wouldn’t know a good revenge plan if…”
“If it dressed up like a murder clown and hid in your closet,” Josie chimed in.
Jasmine snapped her fingers. “Yes. That.”
“I don’t have to have been a discipline problem throughout my teens to know this is a bad plan,” Riley argued. “Jasmine, I expect terrible plans from you. It’s part of your charm. But, Josie, you’re usually diabolical. Fake spiders? You’re better than that.”
Jasmine reached out and pinched Riley’s lips together with her fingers. “Zip it. We’re doing society a favor by catching Lance in the middle of an illegal act that no law enforcement officer could ignore. And we’re totally fine that you want to keep sitting on the sidelines and let other people play hero.”
Riley wiggled away from Jasmine’s pinchy fingers. “Hey, I saved your ass from the murdery mayorandrescued the hostages at Channel 50. I wouldn’t call that sitting on the sidelines.”
