“You should already know these things. I don’t know what Gabriel has been doing in your company for the past two months, but apparently it did not involve teaching you anything.”
“Gabe has been a great friend,” Riley said, jumping to the man’s defense.
“It’s true,” Wander insisted. “He’s been a wonderful addition to the family.”
“Gabe is a delight to us all. He’s so tall he barely needs a step ladder to get into the cabinet in the kitchen,” Blossom added.
“Gabriel is not here to be a friend or a family member or a cabinet opener,” Elanora said, briskly snapping open a black lace fan. “He is here to teach you to master your gifts, to be an example of a life of service. He is here to toughen you up and rid you of your laziness, not be corrupted by you.”
Riley felt that the statement was directed mostly at her.
“Mom, I love you, but sometimes you’re a real buzzkill,” Blossom said.
“Buzzes are meant to be killed. Basil women are destined for a life of service. It seems as if you’ve all forgotten that.” Her steely gaze flicked to Riley. “Except for those of you who never bothered learning it in the first place.”
Riley sighed. “Okay, Grandmother. We get it. We suck. We’re lazy. We’re squandering our gifts. Let’s get this over with. What do you want us to do?” Movement in the parlor window caught her eye, and she spotted Mrs. Penny with a pair of binoculars trained on them.
Elanora hinged forward in her chair and fixed her with a cool stare. “I want you to recognize what a distinction it is to be born into this family, this legacy. I want you to honor your gifts through hard work and selfless service.”
“And I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend and sleep in today, but we don’t always get what we want,” Riley pointed out, feeling surly.
“Let’s meet in the middle and agree that we would all like to improve on our gifts,” Wander the peacemaker suggested.
“All in favor say ‘Aye,’” Blossom said.
“Aye,” everyone but Elanora said.
Riley’s grandmother rolled her eyes. “This isnota democracy.”
“Mussolini,” Riley coughed into her hand.
Blossom elbowed her and hissed, “I’m the one who has to live with her. Can you please try not to piss her off? I’m already down to my last jug of dandelion wine.”
“Sorry.”
“We will begin our practice by stepping into our spiritual state and then exiting,” Elanora announced. “We must master showing up as our best selves in order to do our best work.”
“That is very wise,” Gabe said.
“No one likes an ass kisser, Gabriel,” Elanora said.
Sheesh.Riley didn’t know which one of them was more in the doghouse, she for disrespecting her family heritage or Gabe for discovering ice cream.
“You will all close your eyes now,” her grandmother announced. “Approach your spiritual mental space with intention.”
The only thing Riley wanted to approach with intention was a shower.
Then she thought about dog crap. They really needed to be better about picking it up. Especially if they were going to be boot camping in the middle of Burt’s toilet.
“Return to the mortal realm,” Elanora ordered.
Riley realized she’d never left it.Oops.
“Now, return. Treat it like opening a door and stepping into a room. With one breath, you are here and in the next, you have moved on to a different plane.”
Plane. Plain. Plain…potato chips. Mmm. Snacks. Nick Santiago covered in Jelly Krimpets and Middleswarth Potato Chips.Yummy.
“Resist the baser urges of your squirrel-like mind and step through the door,” Elanora ordered.
