Broke and Hitched
Raven
“JUDAS PRIEST!”I howl at the top of my lungs until my throat burns from the effort. The tiny dots on the ceiling spin like stars as the pain envelops me, bonedeep.
“Cheese and rice!” Lex shrills so loud my eardrums sear, threatening to bleed, and oddly it distracts from the bodily devastation occurring to me at themoment.
“You heartlesswitch!” I howl over at her. Lex lies next to me on a massage table, much like my own, in the buff and beautifully bronzed, her wild red hair spraying around her head as if she were electrocuted. She’s an exotic beauty, but at this moment her beauty betrays her and clues the rest of the world in on her insanity as well. “Let’s do some female bonding, myass!” And, oh my sweet goodness, does my ass ever sting like amother.
The beady-eyed clinician staring at me from between my legs gives the glimmer of a wicked grin. “On three,” she trills. “Three.” She pulls the cotton strip off my pink parts, and it feels as if a demon from the pit of hell just breathed the fire of a thousand suns onto my poorvagina.
“GOD ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN! Please strike this woman to my right with a very lively, very white-hot bolt of lightning!” My voice penetrates the walls so thoroughly the windows shake from theeffort.
Lex perks up on her elbows to garner a better look in my direction. “Did you just cast a pox onme?”
Without missing a beat, the evil clinician darts to Lex and rips her tender bits to pieces as well, and this time it’s Lex moaning like a dyinganimal.
“Damn right, I cast a pox on you, and a hex, and whatever the hell else the universe allows. You, my friend—no—myex-friend, will have hell to pay once we leave this dungeon ofdarkness.”
Lex chortles at the thought as the clinician tends to our raw undercarriages and quickly soothes us with warm oil and heatedtowels.
“Dear God,” I pant as I fall back onto the poor excuse for a spa bed and contemplate all of the bad decisions I’ve made thus far in my twenty-seven years. And, believe you me, bar none befriending this she-devil at my side is by far the worst of the worst. “Most mean girls traditionally give me the side-eye and the occasional finger. You really know how to go the whole nine hairlessyards.”
“Oh, quit yourbitchin’.”
I suck in a quick breath as I roll onto my side to get a better look at her, and a dirty bomb goes off on that landing strip I just scalped.UGH!
Honest to God, if a single pubic hair ever grows back, it will be a miracle worthy to report to theVatican.
“Excuse me.” I take a moment to appropriately stare her down. “Did you—the queen of all things prissy and proper, just let an expletive fly?” I’ve lived with Lex long enough to know she’s allergic to colorful language. Lex Ximena Maxfield is a mean girl to be reckoned with. And honestly, it’s why I like her best. She’s not my typical kind of girlfriend. We met quite accidentally through my best friend, Harlow—Low, once they haphazardly befriended one another. Whether Lex wants to admit it or not, most things in her life unravel haphazardly. And sadly that, right there, is something we have incommon.
“Listen,Raven”—she rolls over casually and winces as the bite of pain sinks in, and don’t think the sarcastic inflection over my name wasn’t noticed either—“the real reason I pulled you out of that pizza box fort you built in my living room, out of those two-week jammies that had adhered to yourbody—”
“Oh, comeon. I hit Hallowed Grounds every single day for coffee, and you know it!” I might have been wearing the aforementioned jammies, but that’s not any of herbeeswax.
She scoffs. “Whatever. The bottom line is both Strudel and I have decided it’s time for you togo.”
The world stops a moment. Her words sting just as efficiently as that slap Hilda dealt my pretty pink parts every three seconds for a hellish fiveminutes.
“Go? Does that mean what I think it means?” My mind reels. I knew as soon as Lex started dating—becameengagedto Axel Collins, that my days as her cozy little roomie were numbered, but deep down I envisioned her moving in with Axel, and me having her place all to myself for a while—readforever.
She blinks those wildly long lashes my way. “If you think it means I’ve already packed your belongings and set them in the trunk of your car—then yes, it means what you think itmeans.”
“Youwhat?” I squawk so loud my voice comes back as anecho.
“Relax,” she hisses, waving me down as if trying to curb my panicked enthusiasm. And am I ever enthused in a very bad way. “I took the time to gather your toiletries. And I also did you a solid by washing that snake-like creature comprised of fruity colored thongs you let breed all over the floor. My God, it’s like playing a game of Candyland just trying to go to the kitchen.” She falls back and tosses her arms up over her eyes withexasperation.
Her words sink in, and that panic she incited just bolstered itself into hysterically dangerouslevels.
“But where will I go? What will Ido?”
“Gee, I don’t know…” Her voice drips with that sarcastic charm I once thought was oh-so-cute, but now I see it for what it really is—wicked. “But I’m sure between your billionaire mother and billionaire brothers, you’ll come up with a penthouse or two. I’ve already put my place on the market, so don’t boo-hoo to me about moving. You’re not the only one doing the real estateshuffle.”
“On the market?” A dull moan comes from the pit of my stomach as a sharp bite of nausea rolls through me. “Oh my God, this is real. This is happening. I’ve got my MBA from one of the top business schools in the country, and I’m officiallyhomeless.”
“Please, you were homeless just a few months ago before you stormed into my living room. It’s practically a tradition with you bynow.”
“You know what else is a tradition? Me seeking revenge on women who choose to take out their anger on my netherregions.”
