Low plucks a bunch of tissue paper out of the bag and shakes her head. “I don’t get it. There’s nothing in here.” She turns the bag upside down, and sure enough, it’s empty. Air from an airhead. Sounds perfectlyappropriate.
“It must be there.” Raven gives the tissue paper on the floor a quick tug and out rolls a bright pink, thick, slightly curved rubber stick of some sort, and both Mer and Low gasp withdelight.
Strudel wastes no time in making a beeline for the shiny pink plastic toy and takes a bite right out of the center of it. And just like that, the hideous thing gyrates to life, violently whipping back and forth as if it had a mind of its own. The room breaks out into hysterics as poor Strudel barks up a storm, but the tiny pink jumping bean dances across the rug and lands between my feet, beating them both in turn. Neither Nannette nor I areamused.
Raven howls with laughter as if she belongs in an insane asylum. Low turns red as a lobster as she laughs andpoints.
Mer harks out something that sounds more like a sandblaster turning on and off in spurts in lieu of a laugh. “It looks like that dildo has a footfetish!”
“Thewhat?” I squawk so loud the room erupts an entire notch louder with its riotous laughter. I’ve heard of dildos before, but I’ve never seen one live and in person—and for the love of all things holy, why is it breakdancing over my Manolos? And son of a monkey on fire, Nannette is being sexuallydefiled!
I pull my feet up on the sofa as if an entire cage full of live rats were just setloose.
“Oh God!” I scream, hopping onto the couch, swatting at it with a throw pillow. “Kill it with fire! Kill it with fire!” I knock over a glass of someone’s chardonnay and let out a howl of my own as I watch the ink splat sink into my beloved silk rug. Not Nannette! A blood-curdling scream escapes me as I summon the courage and stomp the ever-living crap out of the dancing dick that’s set my every last nerve on fire. Finally, I manage to trap it under my heel, and it throbs a slow and vibratory death until Raven yanks it from me and turns itoff.
“Enough!” a male voice thunders from the side, and I turn to find Axel standing there with his hands cutting the air as if he were an umpire. “The party’s over. I think it’s time we call it anight.”
Raven clicks her tongue in protest. “But what about the peniscake?”
Both Levi and Chip groan at their naïve, dirty little sister at the thought of the inappropriateconfection.
Levi pulls Low to her feet. “There’s no way in hell you’re shoving that down ourthroats.”
Chip is quick to hug Low goodnight. “He’s right. It was fun. We’ll have to do this again, sans the tequila and blowupdicks.”
The room clears out in a hurry with Raven buried in the kitchen doing who knows what to that crude appendage sticking out of the not-so innocent cake. And I don’t even want to know where one would procure such atreasure.
Axel lingers at the door, glaring at me as if I owed himmoney.
“If you’re gunning for affection, there might be a protester or two willing to whack you over the head with their signs.” I step forward and peer past him, but there’s not evidence of a single soul out there. It seems even Stumpy has called it quits for thenight.
He leans in, and the heat from his chest warms mine. “Hey”—he says it sweetly as if summoning me to look at him and I do—“about what yousaid—”
“No need to put yourself on the altar. The last penile sword I’ll be falling on will be yours. Besides, I have a new friend who’s dying to get to know me better.” I glance to the broken dildo lying limp on thefloor.
He gives a hard frown. “I wouldn’t touch that thing. Your dog had his mouth onit.”
“As did he you.” I offer him a firm shove out the door, and my palm lays flat over his rock-hard abs a moment too long. My God, what is he doing in his spare time? Lifting buildings off theirfoundation?
“Touché.” He offers a rumble of a laugh as his eyes remain pinned to mine. “You always did have a way withwords.”
“And you’ve always had a way with tramps. Be gone.” I’m about to shut the door on his face, but he wedges his shoe in the threshold before I get thechance.
His gaze is unmovable, and as much as my head screamslook away, my eyes can’t seem to obey. He shakes his head ever so slightly. “That’s not whathappened.”
“It happened. It happened over and over and over again.” I kick his shoe so hard it nearly sends him flying from the porch, and I manage to slam the door shut before I can appropriately appreciate his literaldownfall.
I turn to find Raven trying to sop up the wine from Nannette’s silken locks, and she jumps to her feet admiring her handiwork. The dishrag in her hand looks as if it’s been party to a massacre, but miraculously, thankfully, the rug has been spared astain.
“How did you do that?” Imarvel.
“I’m as anal as they get. If it’s not white glove ready, I’m all about taking it down until it glistens and shines. You know what they say. Cleanliness is next togodliness!”
“Yes, well, let’s see if you’ve heard of this saying: Drunkenness is next to I’ll call you an Uberdriver.”
“About that.” She shrinks a bit. “There’s been something I’ve been meaning to talk to youabout.”
“You like big penises and you cannot lie?” I growl at her for even thinking it was okay to bring that X-rated, frosted pile of flour into myhome.
