“You okay? That was some knee action.” Axel takes a moment to rub my arms warm with his hands, and I try to push him awayreflexively.
“I just turned that man into a woman, and if you’re not careful I’ll do the same toyou.”
His eyes close briefly. “I’m already half the man I was without you in mylife.”
“Oh, cry me a river!” I scream as I pound my fist over his chest as if trying to stomp his heart out like a flame. “You were quite the man on campus at NYU, weren’t you?” His arms float to my hips, and I take a full step back out of his reach forgood.
Axel pants, unable to catch his breath, looking at me with an apology written all over his face, but I won’t take it. Instead, I stride forward and do what I wish I did that night. In a move that I have rehearsed for the last six years, I offer an open palmed slap that burns my flesh as much as it does his. The stubble on his cheek singes my palm as I disconnect, but our eyes remain locked as a moment of terrible truth fills the void betweenus.
Axel and Lex are over, now and forevermore. We were over long before we ever began all those yearsago.
I hit the exit and fly past the drunk frat boy who’s currently vomiting on his shoes, straight into a starry Hollow Brook night that suspiciously reminds me of that horror back at the Witch’sCauldron.
Axel was right. It started off with a hint ofpromise.
But my story never ends there. I wish I understood that principle then. It would have saved me a hell of a lot ofheartache.
* * *
Days driftby and somewhere in that muscle aching, dizzying haze of strutting around the bar while sloshing beer to patrons and threatening the balls of any degenerate that has the nerve to think that my bottom doubles as a stress-relieving device, I’ve let Raven talk me into hosting an impromptu bridal shower at my home in Low’shonor.
Raven has been hanging around The Sloppy Pelican—a lot. She’s giddy, and bubbly, and always has a smile plastered to her face, but those aren’t the only reasons she grates on me. It’s the fact she has mistaken me for a long-lost bosom buddy. Just a few short weeks ago she was busy traipsing around Milan, Paris, the South Pacific, and who knows what other exotic locale, and suddenly she’s planted herself to a seat at The Pelican with her laptop in tow staring at YouTube videos of kittens while nursing an overgrown Cobb salad. It’s annoying. She’s annoying. But she’s far less of a nuisance than Axel who’s traded his business attire for a lumberjack uniform. Okay, I’ll admit he looks decent in a T-shirt and flannel—and he looks even better from behind where I don’t have to see him stealing glances my way every chance he gets—plus, he has a hot ass. Fine, I’ve saidit.
Nevertheless, Raven showed up at my place an hour ago and decorated the living room with streamers and balloons in the shape of male genitalia. And if that X-rated cake in the kitchen is any indication of where this night is headed, then I already want to run screaming. Only I can’t, on account there are actual protesters marching just outside of my driveway. It appears that Stumpy across the street has nothing better to do with her time than orchestrate public demonstrations—a position she’s currently been drafted into, her words, not mine. And she’s chosen to cut her teeth by setting up a demonstration in my honor.Hostility toward the disabled is a form of discrimination, one sign reads and sadly that seems to be the only sign that makes any sort of sense. I peer out the window as evening falls over Hollow Brook washing the street and the protesters with their ridiculous signs a deep shade of blue-violet.Down with this! Dogs hate this house! Build a prison here!Irritated and outraged! It’s only YOURopinion!
“My God, these imbeciles don’t even make any sense. Do they realize they’re as dumb as those sticks they’re holding?” I scoff as I spot their ringleader. “And there she is, the Chihuahua Queen parading them around like showponies.”
Raven comes in and sticks her face through the crack in the curtain. “Is that Stumpy? Wow, she’s just as mean as you are!” She all but smashes her nose to the glass. I’ve apprised Raven of the beast at the heart of this debacle, and it wasn’t that hairy sheep dog that’s been shitting on my lawn for the past few months. How I hate that I’ve been reduced to curse words even in my own stream of consciousness. One day soon, when I smother the life out of Stumpy in the doggie brownies that the hairy scary sheep dog still makes it his business to leave behind, I’ll curse up an entire expletive-riddled tirade as I chase her soul off the planet forgood.
“No one’s as mean as I am.” A self-satisfied smile comes to my lips. Mean is a title I’ve earned, and like all things one must work hard for, I cherish it with apassion.
“You got me there. Hey, do you think you and Axel will ever get backtogether?”
“Not on your life or his.” A meager smile bleeds through my lips. “Never to beexact.”
“Never say never. If the universe loves anything, it loves a happyending.”
“Well, it’s not getting one from me. And if the universe ever even whispers the wordshappy endingto me, I won’t hesitate in telling it to shutup.”
Her body goes rigid as she lets out a sudden gasp. “She’s here! Run and hide!” She swats me away from the curtains and sends Strudel into a barking tirade. In her decorating spree, she even managed to tie a little pink penis balloon around hiscollar.
“Why would I hide? I live here and she’s coming to see me.” I sneak a quick glance out the window and note an entire row of familiar faces pouring out of the orifice of at least three different vehicles. I suck in a quick breath. “Oh shit—ake mushrooms, what have you done?” I growl at Raven, and she’s quick to utilize Strudel as a doggie shield. “Coward.”
“I had to invite them. Parties are more fun with actual people in attendance.” She ducks back behind Strudel once again just as the door magically opens and in strides Low, Levi, Brody, Levi’s doppelganger of a brother, that witch he’s currently separated from—and last, but not least, tall, dark, and handsome as all hell is about to break loose Axel Collins. That pink handprint I gifted him a few days ago is still marginally visible to the trained eye, although the stubble he’s allowing to proliferate over his cheeks is masking the effect a bit. That handprint is the only thing I’ll smile at while looking athim.
The rest of the party begins on an instant chatter, with both Mer and Low cooing over Strudel. Raven starts the music pumping through that portable speaker she’s hauled over. It’s no bigger than my cell phone, but it packs a powerful backbeat that nicely drowns out the noise of the protesters. I slam the door shut behind Axel and silence the menacingmasses.
Axel steps in with his lips curved in a dangerous smile as he whips out a single red rose. “Surprise.” He holds it up between us like an offering, and my mouth falls open. Just as I’m about to throttle it, he snatches it back, those dark brows of his jumping with pleasure as he denies me its beauty. He knows roses are my favorite. Any flower that has razor-sharp claws reigns supreme in my book. “Ah-ah!” he teases. “It’s for the bride-to-be.”
A deep rumbling growl strums from me, and I can’t seem to stop it, not sure why I would either. Both Levi and Brody turn to look over while Axel makes his special delivery. We watch as Low places it between her teeth and blows her betrothed akiss.
Love. Yuck. The bride-to-be’s marriage certificate should come with a warning, an entirepamphletwith a skull and crossbones on the cover. Suddenly, I’m feeling very much a friend of Harlow Hartley’s, and once this sham of a shindig is over, I’ll pull her to the side and tell her how it really is. Sure, she’ll cry for a bit, maybe vomit on the Moroccan rug,Nanette, that I worked an entire month to own, but it’ll be good for her to hear the worst of it now before this entire wedding, her entiremarriageblows up in her face like a beer can someone shook too hard at a sorority mixer. Speaking of which, that’s exactly what this night looks like—a sorority mixer I never wanted toattend.
Raven bounces her hands in the air to the music and lets out a few wild whoops. “All right, everybody! Low and Levi aren’t hitched yet, and if my estimations are correct, every person in this room is free of a legal union or currently sep-ar-ated.” She gives her brother Chip a hard wink. So weird. Raven is weird. Raven is a weird walking time bomb. How could Low ever want to be friends with her? She’s decorated this room in plastic penises for Pete’s sake. She’s terrible at throwing parties. Once I convince Low to dump Levi, I’ll throw Raven under the bus as a bonus. Low will be both single and deficient one psychotic best friend. But she’ll have me. Until I tire of her and kick her to the curb, thatis.
My phone bleats over the sofa table, and I scoop it up to find a text fromSerena.
Hey sis! Miss you! How about I bring a pizza over and we watch amovie?
