I’m proud of myself though. I reached for my phone so many times last night to call him, but I was able to talk myself out of it each time. Because no matter how bad my heart hurts now, I know it will only be ten times worse if I continue down this path with no signs of him owning up to his mistakes.
At the end of the day, this is his fault. It was his decision to keep some ridiculous secret like we were teenagers.
An aggressive pounding at my door makes me nearly jump off my couch. Its loud and desperate sound has my heart racing, and I wonder if something terrible has happened. I left my phone inmy bedroom to keep away the temptation to text him, but now I’m panicking.
I peek through the peephole. All I see is a man with his hands resting on my doorframe, head hung low. But I’d recognize him at any angle.
I can tell by his demeanor that something is wrong.
Oh my God. What if something is wrong with Eli?
The chain of my lock rattles as I slide it free and turn the knob. I tug the heavy door open. His head lifts, and I see pain in his eyes. His hair is disheveled—evidence that he’s been pulling at it.
I swallow down my fear and the instant pain of regret that stabs me right in the gut as I realize I walked away from this man. This man who, no matter how hard I try, I will never erase from my heart.
“Jessie,” his deep voice states, sounding tired.
My leg rises to take a step closer to him, but I have to remind myself to stay back. “Walker,” I whisper. “What’s wrong?”
“I quit.” He lets out a long breath.
It feels like my brain is short-circuiting. I stare at him wordlessly, trying to understand what he’s saying. He can’t mean …
“Can I come in?” he asks.
I nod my head and open my door. He walks past me and moves straight to my family room, where he begins to pace back and forth, back to pulling at his hair.
My feet take slow steps toward him, stopping at the edge of the room.
“You quit?” I ask, wondering if I imagined hearing those words.
He stops moving and stands still a couple of feet from me. My arms just want to take him in and comfort him, but I realize I still need to protect myself.
“I told them.” His eyes turn down. “You were right. I should’ve told them about Eli from the beginning.”
I watch him intently as he pulls at the back of his neck, clearly struggling to find the right words.
“They …” His head shakes back and forth. “They weren’t thrilled. More concerned about my hours and how I would maintain such a grueling schedule if Eli’s mother wasn’t present. It was pretty clear to me they had no interest in supporting me through the process. So, I fucking quit.”
I’m not exactly surprised. Those firms are ruthless. It’s cut or be cut. Nothing about them screams,We’re here to help out our own, no matter what.
He laughs nervously to himself. “I’ll take that look on your face to mean you aren’t exactly shocked.”
I open my mouth, then close it, trying to find the right thing to say. “I’m sorry. They really should support their employees. It’s sad they can’t see the amazing thing that you are doing for your daughter.”
“Yeah, well, we’re all a bunch of assholes. Deep down, I knew that.”
I raise my eyebrows. “You’re including yourself in that?”
“How can I not? I’ve been one of them for over a decade. I’m no better than any of them.”
His inner distress is not something that I ever wanted to see, even with all the conflicting emotions I feel toward him at the moment. His eyes are glossy, like he’s been crying. I wonder if he can see the sadness in mine.
I reach for his hand and take it into mine. “You know you’re different from them. You always were and always will be.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t deserve to get off the hook like that.”
“I don’t really care what you think you deserve,” I bite back. “And I’m proud of you for standing up to them. Do you regret it?”
