As I walk the streets of the city, my mind struggles to take in my surroundings. It’s like all it can do is spin in a circle of lost hopes and dreams while the world around me continues as if nothing is wrong.
But everything is wrong.
I knock on the door and hope that she’s home. It opens, and Eva’s shocked expression turns to worry in an instant as her eyes look me up and down.
“You look awful,” she states matter-of-factly. “Is everything okay?”
My head shakes back and forth as emotion bubbles up from a dark place where I’ve hidden over a decade of hurt from everyone—including myself. It’s like a dam has broken, and I can no longer keep all of it hidden.
“Oh my gosh.” She opens the door. “Get in here.”
I push Eli into the foyer and park the stroller. Eva takes over and takes her out of the car seat, then walks us into her place, where Addie appears to be lying on a blanket on the floor, kicking her feet with excitement. She places Eli next to her cousin, then motions for me to sit on the couch, sitting right next to me and taking my hand.
I glance around their place, realizing it's Saturday. “Where’s Roman?”
“He’s out of town. Had to check on a hotel in Italy. Don’t worry about him. Talk to me, Walker.”
I rest my elbows on my thighs and take in a shaky breath. “I don’t even know where to start.”
Her warm hand begins to run soothing circles on my back. “Just start talking. We can fill in gaps later.”
“It’s Jessie.” My voice cracks. “She ended it.”
Eva gasps. “What? Why would she do that?”
“Honestly, I’m shocked she gave me a second chance in the first place. I sure as hell didn’t deserve it.”
Her head cranes to the side. “Second chance? When was the first chance?”
“Almost ten years ago.”
“What?” she nearly shouts. “TEN years ago! That’s …” She stops to do the math. “We were in high school.”
I nod my head. “You had just graduated. It was actually your graduation party. She snuck into my room that night.”
I realize the details are a little odd to be discussing with my sister, but I’m in no frame of mind to sugarcoat it.
So, I continue, “She went down on me. Best fucking blow job of my life.” She gags, and I smile. “You said you wanted the story.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think I needed to know her skill level on the matter.”
“Sorry. I like to give credit where credit is due.”
She sighs. “Just … go on.”
“Anyway, I honestly didn’t know it was her. I thought it was Natalie.”
Another gag from Eva. “She was the worst.”
“True. But she was safe. I had already begun to have these … feelings for Jessie even though I knew they were wrong at the time. She was too young. Natalie was just a distraction.” I run a hand through my hair. “Anyway, when I found out it was Jessie, I wasn’t exactly thrilled. I yelled at her. Told her we could never happen. Led her to believe I felt nothing for her. It was never the same between us after that.”
She sits in silence for a moment as she takes this information in. “I guess it makes sense why she hated your guts for so long.”
“Yeah, I pulled away from her after that.”
“But … if you really had feelings for her, what was the problem? She was eighteen and heading to college in the city where you lived. I get that she’s younger than you, but six years is nothing. You were still in law school yourself. It doesn’t make sense.”
“That night …” I start, and my body begins to tremble with the memory. I’ve never told a single soul about this. “I overheard something I shouldn’t have. It’s something I told myself I’d take to my grave because it would really hurt Jessie. I knew I couldn’t be with her as long as I had this secret. It was just easier to be a dick to her to keep her at a distance.”
